Flag and Maracas Service

There's a lot of excitement about this morning's Flag and Maracas Service. But we've never had two such dangerous worship aids in one service before - or, at least, not since Marston's "Gunpowder and Itching Powder" service, and in retrospect that was just plain stupid.  And if maracas aren't an abomination then I don't know what is. But we've had so many requests. And the thing that over-rides doctrinal objections is always a fear of offence. So we're going for it. But please can you all adhere to the ground rules:

We're using the flags as a means of making our worship attractive to younger Beaker Folk - especially boys. So please ensure that your children's flags have rubber stoppers on the ends of the sticks. And, to be on the safe side, wear googles. And hockey goalkeeper's masks. I know it will look like Last Night at the Proms combined with Friday the 13th, but better safe than sorry.

Maracas are to be shaken discreetly, and if possible in time. Anyone trying to look even the slightest bit Latin American in their mannerisms will be ejected immediately. Anyone dressing up as a member of the 3 Amigos likewise. It's a Flag and Maracas service - not a spaghetti western.

Please do not wave a flag in one hand and shake a maraca in the other, that it may go well in the land for you. And do not shake a flag or wave a maraca - for that way madness lies.

Now I don't want to see any diving. Can anyone that's seriously hurt please just lay there quietly so we're aware. And we'll let's have a good time, and we'll sort out the minor injuries after the final blessing.