Helping those with IMIA

Jeremy was a successful systems architect. But one day, his wife asked him what he would like - something special - for his 40th birthday. Jeremy answered "A 1973 Fender Stratocaster".  For his 50th birthday, in desperation, he asked for some guitar lessons. Four years on from that, he still can only manage the first four chords from Smoke on the Water.

This is Jeremy's story.

Jeremy was one of the earliest identified cases of "Irrational Musical Instrument Acquisition". A debilitating condition, often striking those between the ages of 35 and 60 - and normally affecting men in that age group.

The symptoms are familiar - and yet so distressing to those that love the victims. Such as Jenny, the wife of Wayne. Wayne - a reasonable guitarist - left home one Saturday planning to buy a couple of new plectrums. He came home four hours later smelling of valve oil and carrying a flugelhorn. For months Wayne struggled to achieve the correct embouchure - but failed repeatedly.  Jenny tried to support him - gave him a book of B^b music. But Wayne threw it to the floor, crying "It's no use. You're trying to turn me into a clarinettist". Three years on, he's no idea where to fit in the new drum kit that's arriving tomorrow.

Nor does IMIA only affect middle-aged men who can't afford a motor-bike. Elspeth, for example, acquired a woodwind obsession. A clarinet led to an oboe - and from there to a bassoon on the grounds that "it's just a big oboe". She may never be truly cured. Or, at least, not until the ocarinas are so numerous that she can no longer get into the house.

Or there is the story of Barry. Barry already had a Yamaha bass, a decent electro-accoustic, a Fender "Squier" copy and a Grade 3 distinction in B^b Trumpet or Cornet. What possessed him, that day in Milton Keynes, to buy himself an electric mandolin? Barry cannot explain  - merely rocking in his chair and muttering something about "the Misty Mountains".

Which brings us onto our most extreme case of IMIA. Chas realised that he'd developed a bad Electric Guitar habit in 2007. At its most extreme he was buying a Rickenbacker bass or Fender Telecaster every week. Running short of cash, he switched to a cheaper alternative. He came to us for help when he was on three ukeleles a day. Here at the Musical Rehab Centre, we've cut him down to the occasional banjo. But still there is a long journey ahead.

Can you help those with IMIA? Those people who, in extreme cases, will force themselves to learn three chords and join the local church music group - sometimes violently demanding they choose "Bind us together" as that's all they can play. All we're asking for is a load of money. Just £200 will buy Barry a series of lessons in the pentatonic scale - although, after ten weeks, he's unlikely to be any better. Only £2.50 will buy Chas a cheap plastic cricket bat that he can pretend is a guitar whenever he is desperate. Just £20 will enable us to pay a thug from Bletchley to go round Wayne's house and smash up his flugelhorn.

And you can buy Jeremy a new plectrum for just 30p. Although you can get four for a quid, which is a good deal. Some of them are such interesting shapes. And if you're a lead guitarist who occasionally plays rhythm you certainly need different ones. And while you're down there have you seen that lovely Les Paul copy hanging at the back of the shop?

Your money can make all that difference. Please give. Or we'll send them round to play outside your house.