Beaker Petting Farm - Health and Safety

I've always wanted a petting farm. It's that perfect combination of cheap entertainment, children's activities and a source of lamb stew that's always appealed to me.

So I'm glad we've got it open. Petting animals is always so relaxing. You feel more human - more one with the world. It's a real spiritual thing. And, of course, even goat curry is delicious if the inmates are heading towards an over-population scenario.

But we have to be constantly on our guard to the issues of health and safety. Animals can bite. They can trample. They can also spread E-coli, and the last thing we want is to be involved in anything involving that scandalous bacterium. I mean, look at Spain. And it wasn't even their cucumbers.

So please be aware of the following rules for the Petting Farm:

1. All visitors are to wear latex gloves at all times during their visit. And face masks and plastic overalls, for which a reasonable hire charge will be made.
2. A distance of four feet between any visitor and all animals must be maintained at all times.
3. Do not feed the animals. They get all the food they need already. However for a £3 contribution at the Beaker Bazaar you can get a token. It doesn't get you any animal feed - they get all they need already - but you can carry it around with you.
4. Do not, under any circumstances, wander in front of our "Dairy Stampede Show". Daisy gets very nervous in the presence of small children and my go right off her feed. And then the milk dries up.
5. The "Fantastic Mr Hamster Show" very definitely contains a hamster. And so, whatever the legal action may say, it is not 100 per cent misleading. 66 per cent at the most (she's really "Mrs" Hamster, but we didn't think that sounded so good)
6. The Chapel of Chickens contains 45 live chickens, pecking at each other and scratching up dust, wandering around looking for something to eat and generally being a bit disorganised. We based it on our Cafe Church services. Please don't give the chickens coffee as they get all they need already.
7. After visiting the Petting Farm, we will spray you with detergent. Don't worry yourself about whether that the yellow colour will ever wash out of your clothes. It won't.

We hope you have a great time at the Beaker Petting Farm, and look forward to welcoming you back. Probably after you've totally forgotten your last visit.