Harvest

Oh, there's nothing we Beaker People love better than a nice Harvest Festival. All is safely gathered in, ere the sub-cost-price deliveries to the major supermarkets begin - as our 101 Post-Modern Beaker Hymns put it.

Now, on the subject of exploitation and post-modernism. We had thought it would be fun - I mean, creative and moving - to include a pile of distressed jeans as part of our Harvest Offering. But we just kept running into problems. First up was when Burton didn't understand the concept, and just upset a bunch of Scottish women (so at least his trip to Corby wasn't wasted). But once we'd straightened that out, we discovered that the distressing of jeans is actually a terrible thing, devastating the health of the people who do the distressing.

So instead of having the jeans in the display we're going to be burning them later on in out Harvest Demand for Justice ritual. And I hope all the people visiting this site will avoid these products unless it can be proven the jeans have been distressed in a safe, environmentally safe manner. Leaving just the other 20,000 or so products we buy without really thinking about.

As usual we're going to be including a couple of vegetable innuendoes. But in an act of ecumenical generosity, we won't be doing the jokes ourselves. Instead we'll be sending Zonya round to Drayton Parslow's Festival of Frugality service with a couple of rather large melons. I'm sure he'll appreciate that.

The Harvest Auction is cancelled, by the way. Everyone is sick to death of buying their own vegetables back at inflated prices just to pump up community funds. Instead everyone can just give me a fiver each and we'll cut out the middle-people.

Now finally, instead of the traditional Winter Storms Beginning that we tend to have at this time of year it looks like being quite warm today. I think the Met Office has gone a little OTT suggesting that a couple of warm days in October - after a gray and miserable summer - are harbingers of a Reign of Fire, in which the world will be consumed in ashes. Still, better safe than sorry. So at this afternoon's Harvest Picnic, can everyone please bring - to cover all options - a Bible, a Rosary, a Methodist Hymn Book and a Little Book of Calm. Oh - and some suntan lotion, in case it just turns out to be a bit sunny.

So I hope you have a great Harvest Festival. The Corn Dollies are made, the air is thick with the scent of vegetables and the apples are rosy. Mother Gaia has been very bountiful. And so has Mr Phosphate and their little love-child, Baby Bio.

I won't be coming along myself. I've seen the punnets of over-ripe grapes that Orson has supplied, and I'm a bit concerned about a wasp-attack. But I'm sure it will be fine. God bless and good luck!