Once again a dreadfully cold night is forecast over England. A night to remember those without log fires, central heating or, indeed roofs.
But after last week's outbreak of service cancellation and poor turnout, some fellowships are getting their cancellations in early to save their congregations turning up to find a locked door. Or the ministers having a total attendance of 4 if you include the Godhead (or 2 for Unitarians). So I'm glad to offer this early-warning service for church closures.
St Botolph's, Little Gibbering - Baptism cancelled due to frozen font.
St Vitus's, Skipping-Round-the-Mapole: Unable to light tea lights due to temperature below the flash-point of paraffin wax.
Benefice of Great Unease with Much Trembling: service will go ahead, as the congregation has been snowed into the church since last Sunday.
Chitterling Methodist Church - So cold it's snowing inside the chapel.
St Pingu, Little Sense - Door frozen shut
St Bernard, Little Hope - Door frozen open
St Nanook, Upper Blizzard - Bellringers frozen to ropes
Great Chattering in the Pews - The heating broke down. In 1765.
Bogwulf Fundamentalist Baptists - Service is on. Underfloor heating will be set to maximum. To remind the congregation of what to expect for all eternity, if they're not careful.
The Salvation Army
Crisis
Barnado's
Very good - I like "Or 2 for Unitarians" :D
ReplyDeleteQuivering Brethren will be a'shiverin down in the tin hall by the river.
ReplyDelete