Hearing the Call

Brethren, what a shocking morning.

In some respects, the problems started with the bloggers behind "The Church Sofa". It seems that it was they who inspired the soi-disant Archdruid next door in her evil schemes.

I now know that it was she - or one of her minions of darkness - who slipped into Bogwulf Chapel last night, and gaffer-taped a mobile phone under the pulpit. She who then waited until the time at which she knew I would be mid-way through my sermon, "The narrow road and the wide one." She then called up.

AC/DC were never my favourite rock group - even as an adolescent, as I struggled to find the resolution to the temptations of the flesh (and strength in my struggles, for no young women ever seemed tempted in return). I considered them loud, coarse and sexually over-explicit. I have never enjoyed their music, and indeed have avoided listening to it for thirty years. Until today.

For it was as I offered the congregation the alternatives - the narrow road that leads to eternal joy, or the wide one that leads us down the path to perdition - that they were offered the suggestion that "Hell ain't a bad place to be." Naturally I cleared the chapel immediately, and sent in volunteers - suitably protected with ear-muffs - to remove the offending phone. Unfortunately, given the hearing protection, it was somewhat harder to find the phone than might otherwise have been the case. But we found it eventually.

I think, brothers (but not sisters - for the moral choices I am about to put before you, you should only receive advice on from your own pastor, or a husband of suitable moral fibre) - I think that Eileen was expecting me to storm round to her House, bang the door with a noise like unto the Knell of Doom and denounce her for the scheming, insensitive trouble-maker that she is. But no.

I walked to the Great House, avoiding the man trap and branch-covered pits she had so cunningly strewn in my path, and presented her phone back to her.

"It's for you," I told her - witty, I think - "But I want you to know, I forgive you."

She looked a little confused as I left. I think I may have got this one right.