Oak Apple Day

Having popped in to Mad Priest's blog yesterday, I was left wondering why our own Oasis of Fuzzy Thinking never attracts trolls.

And I've come to the conclusion that it's because we don't really believe in anything much. Nobody ever went to the stake for contemplating a hazelnut in honour of Mother Julian - and wrapping the "worship space" in voile is generally seen as a colourful and attractive activity, rather than a dangerous and subversive challenge to the ruling authorities.

No, we are dedicated to making religion as unchallenging, unthreatening and generally fun as possible. If we give people world-changing insights - and it can happen, though I've no idea how - we'd rather they went off quietly to rejoice in their own closets, than go and shout it from the rooftops.

Thus we turn to Oak Apple Day - the celebration of the Restoration of Charles II. One of our favourite days, and definitely our favourite monarch. Not least because of his fondness for Stonehenge. It is in his honour that the Beaker maids will today be wearing oak-leaf garlands.

It is not that we admire Charles for his roster of fifteen mistresses - surely too many for any man, especially the Defender of the Faith. Although if it were not for the mistresses, the roads in Fitzrovia would have no names.  Rather that his return saw the passing of the most joy-hating, self-righteous, interfering bunch of bossy-bootses before New Labour. But as I say, to have 15 mistresses - even with no more than two on the go at any time - is surely wrong.

Where was the gutter press in those days? Surely the threat of being half-hanged and then slowly disembowelled outside Newgate would not have kept them from their research? Or was it that in those days being the "gutter press" meant that people were constantly pouring effluent on your head from a height - thus rendering you pretty well incapable of carrying out an undercover operation? Obviously there was the famous "carrier pigeon tapping" scandal - but it doesn't matter if you smell of raw sewage if you're trapping flying messengers.

No, we celebrate Charles II because he returned joy to England. He re-erected the Maypole in the Strand. He would not let even plague and fire dim the joyous round of his court. He invented the spaniel. And, above all else, he wasn't Cromwell.