Saturday, 24 November 2012

If Football Managers were Church Ministers

Alex Ferguson - would always add on five minutes at the end of the service in the hope that somebody might be saved. There would be a hair-dryer in the vestry.

Harry Redknapp - would be a Methodist. No, an Anglican. No, a Pentecostal. No - a Presbyterian, but only for 10 weeks.

Kenny Dalglish - would be the previous incumbent, who everyone fondly remembers. But who then returns and tries to bring back the Alternative Service Book.

Roman Abramovich - would be the Bishop who thought up Common Tenure.

Pep Guardiola - would go off on retreat. And never come back.

There would be no ordained women.

The Chelsea dressing-room  - would be the Church Committee from Hell.

Sam Allardyce - would scrap all that fiddly liturgy and fancy-dan theology, and just have rousing hymns.

There would be few black clergy, although the congregations would be largely black or Hispanic.

Queen's Park Rangers - would be one of those Baptist churches where they have a vote of no-confidence in the minister. Every month.

Brendan Rodgers - would be trying to struggle by with only one acolyte. He would introduce beautiful liturgy, but his congregation wouldn't understand it.

Jose Mourinho - would be an expert in church growth, but always moving on after falling out with the bishop.

The sermon would be replaced by "banter".

Arsene Wenger - would insist on letting the teenagers play in the Music Group, even when they were just beginners. But once they'd learnt a few chords, they'd be off to the local super-church. His church would always pay its Parish Share.

Roberto Mancini - would be checking the ads in the Church Times.

1 comment:

  1. You appear to know too much about football, for an Archdruid. I've never heard of most of these clerics.


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