Church Meeting Warning Symptoms Guide

Symptom	Diagnosis
Overwhelming sense of futility.	Fund-raising committee's report.
Delusions of grandeur, alternating with isolation.	You're probably the pastor.
Droning noise.	Treasurer's report.
Hypothermia.	Meeting has entered second hour.
Strange belief that you have empty pockets.	You are giving the Treasurer's report.
Overwhelming sense of deja vu.	Completely natural. Nothing to worry about.
Rough, dry skin on your back.	You have been sat down too long, and stuck to the canvas back of the chair.
Backside has gone numb.	Meeting has entered third hour.
Unusual pain in the knees.	In a state of complete panic, the minister has suggested prayer.
Sharp pain in the hand.	You've stabbed yourself with your pen to keep yourself awake.
Dehydration	Meeting has entered fourth hour. Desperate urge to visit pub.
Sharp pain in the thigh.	Obviously stabbing yourself in the hand didn't work.
Repeatedly wondering "what's the point?".	County "Churches together" report.
Pain in the forehead.	You've dropped off, fallen forward, and bashed your head on the chair in front.
Pain in the neck.	Somebody insisting we continue to use the 40 year old "modern" hymn book.