Ms Eileen explains Evolution and Creation to the Little Pebbles

Well, children. It's nice for Miss Holsworth to ask me to come and talk to you on the subject of Evolution and Creation. They're two very long words, aren't they? But Mr Gove thinks you should all be able to explain one, and to read about the other in Jacobean English.

No, Angelika. Adam and Eve weren't monkeys. And the Snake wasn't actually a plesiosaur, Jazmin. Because they lived in the sea, not in gardens. And dinosaurs had died out before there were any human beings. I don't care what Mr Parslow told you, Jazmin. He is untrustworthy on matters of science. And, in my opinion, Biblical interpretation.

So evolution is very simple. There were very small things living in the sea, and then dinosaurs happened. And living among the dinosaurs were some very small shrew-like creatures. And these evolved into monkeys. And monkeys evolved into apes, which evolved into humans and chimps and gorillas.

And that is science. You can test it. No, not by pushing chimpanzees out of trees, Rodrick. That experiment is no longer licensed. And it wasn't very useful when it was allowed. No, you can test it with viruses, or dog breeds, or moths that change colour. So it's true.

And Adam and Eve are also true. But they're true more like Harry Potter is. No, Rodrick, Voldemort isn't going to attack the Little Pebbles Academy. He's dead. And he never existed. He is an allegory of evil - and when he kills Harry, in the process he weakens himself. So there is truth there, even though it is not literally true. And so Adam and Eve represent all of us. They are human beings who can make choices like us - an yet although they know what God wants, they do it wrong - the same way we do. Which is why we also need Harry Potter. No, not Harry Potter. Hang on, I'll get there in a minute....

No, Chesney. Michael Gove is not an allegory like Voldemort. He has a nose.

I can see we're into deep waters. Like the plesiosaur, yes, Sigourney. No, Adam and Eve didn't live in a garden in Bikini Bottom and have face masks like the squirrel in Sponge Bob. Let's start again.

In the beginning God created the earth. There was a big lightning bolt and then fish evolved out of protozoa. Dinosaurs roamed the earth, as did cattle, squirrels (land-based, not aquatic) and kangaroos. All the kangaroos were later dropped off in Australia after the flood by Noah before he went back to Turkey. God created Adam and Eve, they saw the apple, a plesiosaur was washed up in the Garden of Eden by a freak water spout. It was a talking, evil plesiosaur, which talked Adam and Eve into eating the apple. When he had the power of knowledge, Adam realised the dinosaurs were a danger on account of their enormous droppings - good for the garden, not so good on your head. So he killed them all.

God made clothing out of the dinosaur skins for Adam and Eve. Eve was particularly fond of her T-rex-skin trousers, making her the first fashion icon in history. People spread across the earth, and modern history happened.

And that's how we reconcile Creation and Evolution. Any questions?