Imprecation on the Stella "Cidre" Advert

Allegedly French Bloke: C'est "cidre". C'est pas "cider".

Charlii: But it's not "cidre" is it?

All: No, it's "cider".

Burton: In French it's "cidre". Wonderful, is proper French cidre. Cidre bouché - sparkling, and gentle. The produce of Loïc Raison: mass-market yet wonderful. A thousand little orchards, scattered over Normandy and Brittany. The smell of crushed pomace, fizzing and popping on an autumn day... [He falls over, drooling]

Charlii: But you, oh Stella Artois, aren't French, are you?

All: Oh no.

Charlii: You're not even Walloon, are you?

All: Oh no.

Charlii: The people who make your products don't even call the town where you make them "Louvain", do they?

All: Oh no.

Charlii: Oh no. They call it "Leuven". Because....

All: They're Flemish.

Charlii: They don't speak French, except under protest. Because...

All: They speak Dutch.

Charlii: And the Dutch for cider is...

All: "Cider".

Charlii: So, Stella Artois, I put it to you that you don't drive around in a 60s French nouvelle-vague film set. Oh no.

All: (sing) You wear clogs, and you're all called Jan. You wear clogs and you're all called Jan. You wear clogs and you're all called Jan. You're not French - you're Belgians.

Charlii: Stop that. It's very slightly racist.

Young Keith: People of Britain, if you want to drink cidre, make sure it's French. If you want to drink cider, make sure it's from Richs or Thatchers or Westons, Broome Farm or Sheppey or Whin Hill or by Rosy, any of a host of decent manufacturers. But don't drink fizzy, fermented Belgian apple juice and go thinking it's French. That's just silly. Let the Belgians make beer. They're good at that.