If Church Services were Railway Services

The 10.30 Methodist service will be fifteen minutes late due to a points failure. The preacher's only thought of two, and he's thrashing around.

The Sunday service at the Adventist Church of the Imminent Apocalypse is going ahead due to unforeseen circumstances.

The next service is not starting where you are.

Due to a slow-moving Bishop, the confirmation service will be next Autumn.

The service will be slow today. The vicar's on holiday and the replacement priest is 102.

The Methodist Communion Service congregation will be divided at the last hymn.  Keenies will proceed to the Communion Table.  New folk and lazy ones will go on to the Coffee.

Due to wet leaves on the stewards, the service booklet may be a bit damp.

The worship group has walked out due to a signals failure.  The leader meant "repeat verse 2" and the keyboard player thought she meant "go up one tone and play in the minor".

MIND THE GAP!!!! Between the vicar's sermon and what she will subsequently affirm in the Nicene Creed.

The 11.00 is delayed due to dead animals on people's heads. Once we've checked the hats for anthrax we'll get right on.

The 9.30 is late due to the late running of the 08:00. The vicar introduced modern English and it's caused a riot.

Evensong is cancelled due to Lee's on the line. Yep, the vicar's son is using his "one phone call" again.

Ronald Sharp will terminate here. And so we commit his body....

There will be no Compline due to straying sheep. They're all at the "Sunday Night Miracle Praise-Fest Revival" at the 3rd Church of Charismatic Self-Indulgence".

Morning Prayer will be delayed due to a broken-down vicar after eight funerals this week,  six hospital visits, nine services Sunday, ten PCCs and the busybody at St Matthew's reporting him to the Bishop for wearing the wrong stole on St Oswald's Day. We apologise for this clergy failure  Given a gin and a strong coffee, we hope he'll pull himself together in about 15 minutes.