Centuries of Woe Forecast if HS2 does not Go Ahead

A report commissioned by the Government has warned that, if the High Speed train line from London to Birmingham and some places in the North does not get built, Britain faces decades of doom.

The consequences of not ripping up the countryside to build a pointless railway line could include:

• Weekend working on branch lines for years
• Trains between London and Birmingham being not quite as fast as they could otherwise be
• Unfriendly ticket inspectors
• Leaves on the the line
• Plagues of locusts in the Clapham area
• Sky reporters on every corner, hoping to find fallen trees
• Thomas, Gordon and Henry working on the Marston Vale Line
• More empty First Class carriages in the rush hour
• Zombies roaming the East Midlands

The future of transport in Ridgmont

"It's going to be dreadful," said a Government spokesperson who would only be identified as 'David C', "Maggie built the Channel Tunnel, Blair got to invade Iraq. Gordon Brown encouraged a massive financial crisis. And what have I done? Ridden a police horse and watched Boris swanning around at the Olympics. This is my chance to do something big and pointless, and if anyone stops me, that's it - the zombies are being set loose in Nottingham."