Dorking to be renamed after Richard Dawkins

In a shock local-government coup, the small town of Dorking in Surrey has announced that it is to rename itself after the evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins - a move that has attracted concern from the Church, the Plain English Society and the Department of Transport.

"The Council had been looking for something to put the town on the map for ages," explained a spokesman, "well, not literally on the map - because there we are, just below London and above Brighton. But we needed something to make people take notice of us. After all, a lot of people barely know we are here - they just whizz past on the many good road links that make us such a well-connected commuter town, and never stop over to enjoy the many amenities.

"Other towns have been named after people - there's Peter Lee in Durham, Drayton Parslow in Buckinghamshire. But we wanted to associate the town with somebody really famous. And we thought that "Dawkins" was a really good idea. For starters, it sounds much the same - nobody's pronounced the "g" since 1926, and that was a stranger. And Richard Dawkins is an expert in the origins of life - and we've been trying to find some original life in Dorking for ages, so we thought he might be able to give us some advice. Sure, he's a controversial choice. But at least people will know we're a place in our own right - and not just a boring little place near Guildford."

The local faith communities have responded with anger to the idea. The Catholic church has organised a day of prayer, the evangelical faith schools have introduced Creationism onto the curriculum. But the Church of England were more ambivalent. A spokesman for the Diocese of Guildford said, "Of course, we believe Professor Dawkins will suffer in a dreadful place for all eternity - but we're just up the road from Croydon, so we reckon we've got a good idea what it's like already."

But most criticism of the scheme has come from Surrey County Council and the Department of Transport. As the bodies responsible for the roads in and around Dawkins, they will have to replace every single road direction sign in the area. They have made it quite clear that they will be putting the extra costs onto the council tax payers of Dawkins. But the local council isn't worried, as they work to make the entire town an atheism theme park.

Dawkins Town Centre

"We reckon we can tap into a massive revenue stream," said the spokesman. "We have the Dawkins Sea-life Centre, Dawkins Zoo, Dawkins Experimental Ant Farm, the Bertrand Russell Tea Rooms, the Christopher Hitchens Bar, and the "Dawkins Delusion" - a fantastic virtual-reality journey into the mind of Alister McGrath. Which, to be fair, is more interesting than a trip into the mind of Richard Dawkins itself - it has more dimensions, for starters."

And so, nestled in the North Downs, the little town of Dawkins prepares itself for a lucrative future. They have been round the local hotels removing all the Gideon Bibles, anorak shops have opened all the way down the high street, and the local singles' club has doubled its capacity and hopes, one day, to get a woman to join. When the Dawkins fans arrive, Dawkins will be waiting for them.