Rejecting Vincent Tan's Kind Offer

I'd like to thank Mr Tan for his kind offer to take a controlling stake in the Beaker Folk of Husborne Crawley. It's not that I don't appreciate it, but I've had to say no.

In the first place, his demand that we only attend worship in red hi-viz. Sure, it's a nice colour. But I don't want the Beaker Folk out on the roads protesting. But I could probably cope if it was just that.

It's more the way he said we'd have 3 years to get onto "Songs of Praise", or I'd get the sack. It's a cut-throat world, English Christianity. I might think I'd signed the right worship group to get us into the top 4 in the Nu-Worship Premier League, but if they just didn't perform, or Liverpool Anglican Cathedral over-performed - I'd be out on my ear. And then old Vince would be off in an embarrassing attempt to lure some exciting new Archdruid - one or other of the famous David Walkers, or Nicky Gumbel or somebody.

No, on the whole, it's better we stay as we are. Second-division, unfashionable, but very definitely a local religious community. If I really wanted to be in Europe, I'd join the Catholics.