Fresh Expressions Postbag

I was intrigued by the Fresh Expressions "Myths Busted" post on Missional Musings. I frequently get letters asking my advice, or telling me about their great ideas - because, let's face it, the Beaker Folk are definitely a Fresh Expression. And one of the most profitable, to boot. Mind you, if you think about it, Canterbury Cathedral was a Fresh Expression once upon a time.

So here's the Fresh Expressions postbag. I hope you can build on these ideas so that one day, you too may be able to fill in your own grant application.

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"Dear Archdruid,

We knew that if we wanted to reach the unchurched on the estate, we had to get to where people really were - share their experiences, know what really moved them.
So I took up Twocking.  Within a few weeks, I'd really earned the kids' respect, and I was having a great time myself, living "on the edge" of the kingdom.
But after I hit that bus shelter, the bishop has found out, and now he says I can't be the vicar anymore. This persecution is the sort of thing that happened to John the Baptist."

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"Dear Archdruid,

I like to put on a badger outfit and yodel. I'm sure there must be other people like me. Do you reckon I could start a church?"

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"Dear Archdruid,

I was all in favour of Messy Church when the vicar introduced it. What a great way of communicating with a new generation, I thought.
But then I went along, and it was full of children! Ghastly. And the vicar was not wearing a chasuble. If this is your Fresh Expressions, I'll stick to the Masons."

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"Dear Archdruid,

We're seriously looking at starting a Godly Play. We've collected together a number of models and a sheet of beize. However we are all atheists, and the models are mostly old Matchbox cars. So we spend our time re-creating famous traffic jams."

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"Dear Archdruid,

The rainy weather has had the effect of causing a bryophitic carpet to spread across the roof of St Hilda's. So we're thinking of renaming it "Mossy Church".

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"Dear Archdruid,

Our Civil War Church was a great new innovation. As members of Lord Rockingham's Light Infantry, Fr Fresshe and myself would go along in the guise of Cavalier chaplains, offer a traditional form of Eucharist and preach a homily. We got to wear lace, and the Civil War people were gradually converted into card-carrying Laudians.

Then Peter Kirk came along and told us Cromwell wasn't so bad after all, and it all went to pot. Now half of them are Anabaptists, and the rest skip communion to go to their Presbyterian prophesying class."

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"Dear Archdruid,

Here in the Somerset Levels, we are great outdoors types. So we thought "Rambling Church" would be a great idea. And in the autumn, we had a great time - sometimes twenty people would join us in what was, after all, Our Lord's way of doing church - the vicar would head across fields, preaching sermons over his shoulder. But in December and January, attendance has dropped off, and the vicar has developed trench foot. Most people can't work out why, but I blame the gays."

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"Dear Archdruid,

I like to stand in Dunstable town centre wearing an anorak, shouting threats of eternal damnation at passers-by. Nobody was converted. Last week I decided to become a Fresh Expression. Now I wear a T-shirt with a cheerful image on it, and stand in Dunstable town centre shouting threats of eternal damnation at passers-by. Still nobody is converted, but at least I feel I'm moving with the times."

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"Dear Archdruid,

I have a large bag of porridge and a "Footprints" towel, in a lock-up garage in Meriden. Am I a Fresh Expression? Or, given the brand of porridge, am I just a Quaker?"

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"Dear Archdruid,

Attendance at our Youth Club really took off over the last couple of months. But then one of the parents found out about the "Breezers Bar", and now we're right back to where we are. I blame Michael Gove."