New Daily Mail Baptism Promises

The first change to the Baptism rite in the Beaker religion since John the Baptist himself has caused uproar.

In an attempt to be more "relevant" to Daily Mail readers, the candidates will have to promise to reject:

• The European Union and all its works
• Biscuits, chocolate, cauliflower, orange juice and "all other foods that give you cancer"
• Benefits-claiming of any kind
• Scrounging 
• Skiving
• Being Romanian
• Rational scientific or political thought.

A senior cleric in the Church of England said he did wish to be named. Quite often, if possible.