The A-Z of Technical Church Terms

There's only one thing sadder than somebody using a technical church term, knowing that there are people in the church who don't know what it means. And that's somebody using a technical church term, thinking everybody knows what it means. Let's see if we can help.

Ambo	South American form of liturgical dance
Apse	A lapsed asp
Asperges	Italian variety of asparagus
Aspergillum	White flower that only blooms when it's raining
Biretta	Italian squash eaten while riding a Lambretta, and firing a Beretta
Cassock	A long Ukrainian tunic
Compline	What you do to something that isn't compled.
Hassock	A long Ukrainian with a spasm in the diaphragm
Laetare Sunday	The Sunday when the clocks go forward, and everyone turns up... yeah, OK.
Laity	Horizontal church people
Lectern	An electric duck
Lectionary	Pushy dictionary
Legilium	A narrow ledge, for perching eagles on
Misericords	An overweight person's shoelaces
Narthex	The plastic you make notice boards out of
Oxford Movement	Down to the bar when you give up on the essay
Oblation	Blowing up an oval balloon
Pulpit	A doll's pullover
Reliquary	Somebody who collects retired vicars
Rogation Days	The chance to go round in odd-shaped circles
Spandrel	A breed of small dog, popular with vicars
Supererogation	Ritual blessing of local senior police officer
Thesaurus	A terrifying, verbose dinosaur
Transept	Vicar with a wide nose
Vestibule	An inflatable lifejacket, in case the font overflows
Vestry	Where to hang your vest