The True Story of St George

And so on this holy day, we remember St George, a citizen of Turkey, Syria or Armenia - depending upon precisely which non-left-wing group's straw people we want to burn today.

George found that the people of Turkey/Armenia/Syria/Poland were living in fear of a terrible dragon. This dragon demanded the sacrifice of virgins on a regular basis. And as long as the virgins were of common birth, this didn't particularly bother anyone. Obviously it upset the common people, but then if you want to live like common people, you've got to do whatever common people do.

But one day the supply of working class maidens ran out, and the powers that be decided something must be done. So they sent for George, a local warrior or, in some particularly silly versions, plumber. George, sizing up the situation, realised exactly what needed to be done. Oh yeah, upper-class girls can be found by the thousand in parts of Chelsea and Hampshire. But a talking dragon? That's a rare breed you've got there. George immediately got a court injunction protecting the dragon from any kind of disturbance, and told the posh girl who was the next on the list that she was going to die in a good cause.

But young Griselda was strong, fearless, devout. And above all a loather of environmental policies. Her dad got to be king by obtaining a number of fracking licences. And she wasn't going to be eaten by a dragon just because some bleeding-hearted leftie saint had strolled along. So she borrowed 20 feet of copper pipe from George, on the pretext that she needed to sort out her mum's downstairs lavvy before she was horribly eaten by a fire-breathing monster. Then she converted it into a lance, and shoved it up the dragon's nose.  The dragon was caught totally unawares. He'd presumed it must be kebab today.

Naturally the whole thing had to be hushed up. So George took the credit, and went on into the semi final where he lost on penalties to St Michael. The young lady's active role was forgotten, lest any future English women should be inspired by her action and decide to become Prime Minister. And, on this day in England, we celebrate the birthday of William Shakespeare, who in order to keep on the right side of the Tudor monarchy turned George into a brave but foolish young man, the damsel into a determined young girl, and the dragon into a bawdy nurse. How the story of Griselda and the Dragon became that of Romeo and Juliet is one of the great tales of English literature in itself. So cry God, King Harry and St George! And try not to think too much of the things King Harry did to the French in George's name.