Falling off the Veg of the World

It was a nice send-off for Aspril today, as the remote-controlled boat containing his ashes was driven into the middle of the duck pond before being detonated. I like to think the Beaker Folk of old would approve.

The enjoyable funeral, of course, didn't take away the shock of his unexpected departure. Aspril was obsessed with eating the right foods, as instructed by the health pages of the national Press, to live as long as possible. To that end, he drank precisely one glass of fresh-pressed redcurrant and acai juice a day; shunned all meat and alcohol; and ensured he only ate high-fibre, low-sugar, low-fat food.

We believe it was the BBC's article on how to avoid diabetes that actually did for him. Gerbert, whom he hitched a lift to Kingston with, said that he was really focused on how to ensure he ate only two meals a day. We suspect that, while doing the mental calculations as to how he could fit in breakfast and lunch without needing tea, and how early he'd have to get up, Aspril accidentally drove his trolley into a massive health-food display. He sadly expired after being buried in a massive pile of lentils and mung beans.

Still, he went the way he would have wanted.