Who you Gonna Call? ClergyBusters!

Does your vicar wear sandals with socks?

Are you a Methodist whose minister is a Calvinist?

Is the pastor thinking of taking out the pews?

Then you need to get rid of them as soon as possible. Why waste time sending emails to the bishop/superintendent/God? They're just too likely to talk about rules and process, act fairly, want evidence, delay things, or threaten to call the police on you.

But now, you can phone ClergyBusters! Simply phone the ClergyBusters! hotline, and then enter the following number to be directed to an expert in dealing with your specific clerical problem.....

01	Has a beard
02	Carries a burning thurible at all times
03	Rings the bells in the early hours (not a euphemism)
04	Says "call me Chazza"
05	Keeps goats
06	Sabellian
07	Semi-Pelagian
08	Hemi-Demi-Semi-Pelagian
09	Removed the pews
10	Installed pews
11	Sleeps in the pews at night, because his wife has thrown him out for snoring.
12	Burnt the pews
13	Conducts exorcisms in the creche
14	Wears a onesie on day off
15	Wears a onesie at Mass
16	Wants to knock out the walls to form "a really exciting worship space"
17	Cancelled 6pm BCP, just because the last person attended in 1967
18	Doesn't believe in God
19	Doesn't believe in the Bishop
20	Has a rottweiler called "Beelzebub"
21	Converts the box pews into a sauna
22	Likes Enya
23	Wants to be Enya
24	Loves the homeless
25	Moved the homeless into the church
26	Writes a blog
27	Writes a blog pretending to be a violent archdruid
28	Appears on "Gogglebox"
29	Appears on "Crimewatch"
30	Introduces liturgical dance
31	Introduces liturgical trance
32	Introduces liturgical garage
33	Wears a biretta
34	Rides a lambretta
35	Mostly eats zucchetta
36	Likes lace
37	Really likes lace
38	Can barely be seen for lace
39	Shoots the sparrow trapped in the belfry
40	Claims to be the god of hellfire
41	Paints a representation of their nightmares of the Last Judgement on the whitewashed church  walls. Using highlighters.
42	Relentlessly quotes Jurgen Moltmann
43	Goes hunting
44	Goes shooting
45	Goes dogging
46	Replaces the ancient, noble language of the  BCP with Common Worship
47	Replaces the ancient, noble language of the BCP with the Klingon Prayer Book
48	Believes in the imminent Second Coming
49	Believes s/he is the Second Coming
50	Juggles as a sermon illustration. At every Family Service
51	Converts the baptistry into a jacuzzi
52	Converts the baptistry into a ball pit
53	Introduces a bass guitarist into the music group
54	Introduces death metal into the music group
55	Tells the Church Wardens they'll be first up against the wall when the Revolution comes
56	Does puppet shows in the pulpit instead of Evensong
57	Wears tweed jacket and chinos
58	Laments the dearth of virgins in the village when May Eve is approaching
59	Introduces gestalt therapy instead of Confession
60	Builds an igloo from copies of the Methodist Hymn Book, climbs inside and claims to be a hermit
61	Doesn't answer the manse phone number within three rings, even at 3am when s/he is clearly at   home
62	Seen in the pub
63	Gets tired after 16 hours days
64	Jacks the vicarage up on wheels and takes it on sabbatical
65	Says "it barely seems worth it" after the opening hymn and pronounces the final blessing
66	Puts up bunting when the Treasurer says she may call it a day after 47 years
67	Goes skinny-dipping in the pond on the village green
68	Claims vodka & orange is one of your five a day
69	Doesn't have a beard
70	Puts solar panels on the church roof. On the inside.
71	Changes the choristers' outfits to hi viz and puts UV lighting in the chancel
72	Throws hymn books at people who fall asleep during the sermon
73	Is a bit boring sometimes
74	Phones you up every night to check you've said both Daily Offices.  If not, comes round to read  them with you
75	Eats Creme Eggs in Lent
76	Eats Hot Cross Buns in Advent
77	Insists the opening Procession shuffle on their hands and knees because of "there's a sniper in the  pulpit"
78	Plants wildflowers in the graveyard. Wildflowers that have mysterious stings, beat sticks against  their boles, and wander around the place
79	Replaces the Lady's Bright Hour with a poker tournament
80	Is a woman
81	Bans fair-trade coffee on the grounds that "it only encourages them to be inefficient"
82	Declares war on the URC
83	Preaches long sermons
84	Rides the Archdeacon out of town on a rail
85	Explains theological mysteries through the medium of mime
86	Believes "Father is always right"
87	Reveals "Father" has been sitting, mummified, in the front room of the manse for 30 years
88	Makes the new curate wear a "Mr Blobby" outfit at all times
89	Talks to trees
90	Hugs trees
91	Claims that trees are her only friends
92	Bishops always go missing after confirmations
93	Sometimes misses whole days after baking "special cakes"
94	Lights the Advent candles in the wrong order
95	Wears Pink on the 4th Sunday in Lent
96	Calls local radio phone-ins claiming to be a lorry-driver called Ken
97	Meetings last too long
98	Punctuates sermons with illustrations in the form of Country & Western ballads
99	Replaces the KJV with the NIV
00	Replaces the KJV with the "Little Book of Calm"

ClergyBusters! Moving the man or woman of God in your life, out of town fast.