Helping Tony Blair

Poor Tony Blair claims he's worth a mere £25m. Obviously my immediate reaction, that that's what he'd like the Revenue to think, is deeply unworthy.

But it is terribly worrying, if the world's worst peace envoy barely has the equivalent of a George W Bush after-dinner speaking tour to rub together. After all, Luis Suarez earns £25m every 2 years or so. Although, to be fair, Suarez does not bite people on the basis of unreliable dossiers. Nor do his misdemeanours lead to hundreds of thousands of deaths.

But can you do your bit to help Tony Blair?

Just 10 grand will pay for him and Cherie to go on a nice holiday.

49 quid will buy all the unsold copies of his autobiography.

£2,000 will buy him a nice mirror. If he can see his reflection in it, he can practice looking himself in the eye. It can't be easy.

Just 200 grand a year can pay for a new Middle East envoy - one who's got s better track record in Middle Eastern peace-making than Antiochus Epiphanes. In fact, forget that. There's not a person in England who doesn't have better peace-making experience than our Tony. People who spend Friday nights having punch ups in Luton Town centre would be safer hands.

Give whatever you can. Remember the mute appeal of those blank, lifeless eyes. Just whatever you do, help Tony?