Liturgy For the Nativity of PG Wodehouse

Introit: Sonny Boy

Archdruid: Oh I Say!

All: What ho, old gel!

Hymn: Sonny Boy

Confession

Archdruid: OK, I've read the contents of the Junior Ganymede club book, and suffice it to say you've all been rotters, beazles, scourges on civilisation and all-round bounders.

All: We're sorry.

Galahad: I'm not.

Archdruid: Well, you're all forgiven. Especially Gaily (smiles coyly, remembering something that happened in '97)  

Archdruid: Except..... Spode.....

Lord Spodecup: Yes?

Archdruid: I know about "Eulalie".

Lord Spodecup: Curses! I can no longer be a dictator.

Archdruid: True. You could maybe join UKIP?

Hymn: Sonny Boy

Poetic Reading: "When Cynthia Smiles"

Hymn: Sonny Boy

Old Testament Reading: the story of Jael, wife of Heber (read by Miss Honoria Glossop)

Hymn: Sonny Boy

Sermon: Christian Love

All: Spare us the lengthy digression into the family life of the early Assyrians!

Hymn: Sonny Boy

Psalm

All: Gosh, isn't everything jolly?
Plump pigs, cocktails,  spats and cats and tennis
Water spaniels and Aberdeen terriers
Bread roll fights,
Blacking-up to play Banjoleles
[Archdruid: NO! We're using the Revised Liturgy! You can't do that anymore! ]

All: The Blessed Damozel leaning over the bar of heaven
The stars, which God has threaded as his daisy chain,
The little bunnies which look just like gnomes....

Gussie Fink-Nottle: The Blessed Damozel makes me sick.

Archdruid: I now publish the banns of marriage between a random assortment of people, some of whom will no doubt be together by the end of the service.

Hymn: Sonny Boy

Dismissal

Archdruid: Tally Ho!

All: Tinkerty-tonk!

Recessional Hymn: Sonny Boy