Theology Smackdown: Augustine of Hippo v the Triffids

It's the question I'm always being asked. Which is better? St Augustine or triffids?

It's a narrow decision for sure. After all, Augustine (354-540) was the Bishop of Hippo. He took part in the formulation of the doctrine of Original Sin, developed the theology of predestination. and encouraged his flock at a time when  the city of Hippo was surrounded by the Aryan Vandals.

Whereas the triffids are a bunch of ambulatory plants with poisonous stingers. Their theology tends to a Gnostic reading of John's Gospel and strongly analogical approach the Psalms.

The triffids had a Gnostic theology and legalistic approach to James's epistle.

Although Luther leaned heavily on St Augustine's theology while putting forward the seminal thoughts of the Reformation, he makes absolutely no mention of triffids. Scholars believe this is because he completely rejected their legalistic approach to the book of James> There is a substantial minority, however, that believes it is because their stubby, leafless sticks on their boles are handy for making an ominous drumming noise, but useless for writing manuscripts.

Although making some progress in equality over the last century, there has still been no triffid bishop appointed by the Church of England.  However, with their terrifying sting and general approach to consuming the bodies of their helpless victims, it is believed it is only a matter of time before one of them is made a Spectator journalist.