Left-Handers' Day

According to the Guardian - and who knows who we can trust these day? They think Polly Toynbee and alfalfa are good ideas - but, at any rate, in the Guardian's head - today is Left-Handers' Day.

I'm a bit concerned for Burton Dasset as a result. He's off to the Great British Beer Festival. And I'd worry about him getting caught up in a Left-Handed Pride march. All holding their Left Handed flags  with the poles on the wrong side. It's surprising to see so much left-handedness in public, to be honest. Makes me worry that if young children see left-handers in the street, they might think a left-handed lifestyle is something to be emulated.

I do think that the pendulum has swung too far now. When I was a child, anybody who was left-handed was regarded with suspicion. You didn't actually think they were evil, as such. But still, you knew they were different. We were all aware that the left-handers in the Bible were all violent. And it was the people on the left hand that were always in trouble. And if you were a left-handed priest obviously you'd end up with oil everywhere.

We used to know that left-handedness was tolerated in the arts world. Oh and the shock when Paul McCartney came out as a left-handed bass player. My mother wept.

Whereas now you can actually buy a mug with the handle on the wrong side. People are openly left-handed in the street. Even famous sportspeople are coming out as left-handed. Especially cricketers. In cricket, people seem to be applauded just for being left-handed - made special mention of. I blame it on people playing cricket in their pyjamas these days. It's affected their hormones.

Don't get me wrong. I don't want to see left-handedness made illegal again. There were terrible times before legalisation. Lefties would have to live out the charades of right-handed lifestyles. Eating and writing with their right hands. Terrified that, at any moment, a smudged sheet of A4 - written in the privacy of their own rooms - would give them away. Worried that, picking up a glass wrong in an absent-minded moment, they would condemn themselves. And beating people with sticks to drive out  the left-handed demons was always wrong.

But I just don't expect it to be normalised. I mean, there's even talk of the Church of England tolerating left-handed priests. As long as they don't actually do anything left-handed. They'll be bishops before you know it.

No, left-handedness is OK in its place. And that place is in the kitchen. Looking at the mangled top of a badly-opened can of beans.