All kinds of chaos breaking loose at St Bogwulf's Chapel yesterday. Having worked out the sloth bear was an evangelical, we persuaded him to go across the park and take refuge with Rev Drayton Parslow and his Funambulist Baptists.
So Bjorn traipses across the ley, and wanders in during Drayton's Wednesday evening talk on "the Lie of Evolution". Oddly enough, the appearance of a fierce creature with a hug that can snap your spine didn't cause them all to run out screaming. They just presumed he was a member of the Youth Group.
Anyway, halfway through the talk Bjorn starts asking questions. Why does Drayton think evolutionary science is a lie when he accepts every other blessing of science without question? Why does he believe God created photons in flight to artificially make it look like they come from stars a long way off, when God only created them 6,000 years ago? Why would God deceive us? If "the world also is stablished, that it cannot be moved", why does Drayton accept any of what must clearly be dodgy cosmology? Why would Drayton use a computer and data projector when some scientists are, according to Drayton, liars? Where in cosmology and biology does Drayton draw the line between good science and evil science? In short why doesn't Drayton grow side whiskers and join the Amish?
At this, Drayton realised he was confronting a talking sloth bear, and announced that Bjorn was demon possessed and, worse, an Open Evangelical. The Funambulist Baptists gathered round the bear, ready to work out a way of exorcising it. Pitch Forks and flaming torches appeared as if from nowhere. It was all looking very nasty.
And then, from the "Candles for Christmas" cupboard at the back of the chapel they heard a rustling noise...
Faced with two angry sloth bears, Drayton's flock panicked. There were Redemption Hymnals and berets flying in all directions. Wandering past on the way home from the White Horse, Hnaef and Young Keith were surprised to see Drayton and his mates, followed by Bjorn and, it turns out, Agnetha.
Anyway. We spent yesterday evening extending the"Candles for Christmas" cupboard. Now it's a nice size for them, though I wish they'd stop eating the tin foil pie dishes. And we've a plan.
Most people don't realise that every time a church or chapel closes down, a sloth bear is made homeless. The bereft bears wander the country, looking for a new home. Some used to get posts as Labour MPs, but there's not so many jobs there these days.
Will you contribute to our new charity, "Cupboards for Sloth Bears?" We're aiming to expand our Christmas candles cupboard to give every lost sloth bear a home. And all those candles, tinsel, lumps of oasis and little glass holders don't come cheap.
So help us at Cupboards for Sloth Bears. Or, if you think this is all very silly and you'd rather help real homeless people, go to Graham Hartland's place and find out about the chance to do that at #notgb15.
I have to admit that I've looked very hard in every nook, cranny and candle cupboard in our church, but have yet to trace the Sloth Bear we should presumably have.
ReplyDeleteI thought that I saw traces of one with the holes that appeared in the wooden floor under the Bishop's chair in the Vestry, but it turned out to be some rather cheeky mice, who had somehow eaten through solid oak to give them a escape mechanism if any Sloth Bears were around. Being cheeky, they even interrupted a deanery synod in our Church a few weeks ago, and we had hoards of assembled clergy and laity, standing on the pews and screaming (we've not signed them up as the Deanery Travelling Choir as they were so in tune with the screaming).
No, our Sloth Bear is either quite elusive or has gone off to Husborne Crawley to be with kith and kin.
And the mice eventually succumbed to a campaign of hunting by the over keen Church Wardens with Air Pistols and brooms. They've retreated back into the garden where they belong.