The Dangers of Halloween

Time like an ever-rolling stream turns the page of mixed metaphor in the book of life, and so Halloween is nearly on us again.

And it's a time of year that parents and grandparents will naturally agonise over. Is it all lighthearted fun? Or is there a darker side?

I mean, take special Halloween sweets. You don't get that sort off blood-red colour without a host of additives, do you? And they're all stuffed with sugar. No wonder the kids have to wear flashing lights and garish outfits. It's to identify the kids that are suffering sweet-induced hyperactivity.

To set a responsible tone, last year we gave out apples from our organic, chemical-free orchard. Not only were we helping the kids' health, we saved money. Money which we could use to replace the windows which had apples thrown through them. Obviously the children had already reached the blue-Smartie stage of blood sugar and additive level. Or else we may have handed out cider apples.

Maybe we'll hand out organic dried apricots instead

Then there's the whole issue of letting children go around dressed as terrifying apparitions. Delving into those sorts of dark powers - it's not right. I mean, you may say it's just a bit of fun. But what is some poor innocent old soul going to think if, as is being requested this year, they get kids at their door dressed as Jeremy Corbyn, Theresa May and George Osborne? Talk about being in fear of your soul. Last year, a child in a Russell Brand costume got followed around by members of the Press for hours until they realised that he had more sensible ideas than the real one.

And then pumpkins. You may think it's a harmless old game, to carve out some awful face and put a lighted candle into it. But are you telling me that you can get a vegetable grown that size without using chemicals? Little Dorozy comes out in a rash if she sees a picture of something grown with artificial fertiliser. And what if they've used pesticides? The moths could be falling out of the sky. They say peel the veg, but the whole point is that a pumpkin is supposed to have its peel on to be a punky. That time we peeled them first they looked absolutely rubbish.

Probably not free-range

So this year we're going to make punkies out of some organic courgettes from the kitchen garden. OK, they will look a bit kind of small and stretched. But I reckon if we can hollow them out we can just about fit a bike LED in each one. Although we won't be using batteries. They're not rechargable.