20 Reasons Why Hillary Won Really

1. She got more of the popular vote.
2. She's not Trump.
3. All the people I know are really upset about it.
4. Obama is so cool. Sure, he ignored the people in the Rust Belt. But they're not cool. Priorities.
5. Miley Cyrus is really unhappy.
6. There's people protesting against the Trump victory so it must have been wrong.
7.  California may become independent.
8. How come redneck votes are worth the same amount each as Tom Hanks's vote? That doesn't seem right.
9. The John Lewis ad shows even foxes and badgers can get on. A direct coded message Trump.
10. The media was rigged against her.
11. She won with white,  middle class mums.
12. If we weighted votes for cleverness, Hillary won by a landslide. Except in Alabama. Wasteland.
13. Oh good grief. Sarah Palin. Please, no. Imagine her and Boris Johnson having to negotiate  trade deal. Leamington Spa would end up at war with Alaska.
14. If you're really entitled, you can just assume you won anyway.
15. Virtual Reality might be the answer here.
16. The Canadian immigration website crashed. Albeit it's hosted by  a Sinclair Spectrum running Windows Server 2003, powered by a John Lewis badger in a big wheel.
17. Oh gosh. Imagine if it crashed because all the Canadians wanted to move to America now?
18. The Dow Jones has crashed in sympathy.
19. No wait - it hasn't. Wall Street must know that Hillary and Obama, Miley and Tom Hanks are secretly still in charge.
20. Even if I knew the world were to end tomorrow, I'd still have a pumpkin spice skinny flat white today.