A Form of Prayer for Black Friday

MOST powerful and glorious Lord God, at whose command the trolleys roll, and pushed by the shoppers of wrath, and who stillest the rage thereof. We thy creatures, but miserable sinners, do in this our great distress cry unto thee for help: Save, Lord, or else we perish. We confess, when we have been online, and seen all things quiet about us, we have forgot thee our God, and refused to hearken to the still voice of thy word, and to obey thy commandments: But now we see, how terrible art a shopper in House of Fraser in search of 40% off a fluffy jumper; the great shopping beserker to be feared above all: And therefore we implore you, whose power is greater even than Marks and Spencers's Buying department, and whose creativity is greater even than a John Lewis Marketing executive; save us from Shop and Awe, keep us from buying total crap in a sales frenzy, deliver us from the sharp elbows of the middle classes, and in Thy great mercy bring us safely to the place beyond the cash tills, with our credit card abalances intact. Amen.