Liturgy for the Loss of Andrew Sachs

Archdruid: We are sad to have lost the wonderful Andrew Sachs.

All: Oh rats.

Archdruid: They're filigree Siberian Hamsters.

All: Crackers anyone?

Archdruid: And what we want to know is - was Manuel's first language Spanish or Catalan?

All: You'll have to excuse him. He's from Barcelona.

Archdruid: A man who played a range of parts on stage, TV and radio.

All: Not bad for a bloke from Barcelona.

Archdruid: HE WASN'T FROM BARCELONA!

All: Yeah he was. Basil Fawlty said.

Archdruid: That wasn't real. It was fiction.

All: Oh like Donald Trump?

Archdruid: In real life, Sachs was a half-Jewish German who fled the Nazis and came as a refugee to this country...

All: Not just taking the jobs of our hardworking British waiters then?

Archdruid: No!

All: Oo. Do we still have time to change our vote in the Brexit?

Archdruid: No.

Archdruid: Oh you didn't....

All: Well Boris said we'd save all that money we could spend on an NHS which would suddenly be staffed by all those fully trained British nurses and doctors....

Archdruid: I'm gonna need a bigger Ritual of Confession...

All: Can we burn the  effigy of Russell Brand now?

Archdruid: No. We did that last Guy Fawkes. And Brand was small fry.  Andrew Sachs had to escape Hitler.

Ken Livingstone: Hitler? Did anyone say Hitler? I love to say Hitler.

The Major: Reminds me of when we landed on Sword. Pointed the cannon in the wrong direction, took out the Canadians' tea trolley. Dreadfully drunk of course. I thought the Colonel was a massive dragonfly.

Manuel: What is dragonfly?

Basil: The name of my horse, nitwit.

Manuel: What is witnit?

Basil: Oh, I could be having this conversation for the rest of my life. Try to remember before one of us dies.

Archdruid: May he be lifted on wings like a giant dragonfly, and eternally have a decent view out of his window. In the place where we will dine forever on food that does not have rats in the cracker tin, and which wasn't built by O'Reilly Men.