Humanist Funeral Elephant

Just read the sad news about Meryl Flint dying, in the Trim Valley Notices. I don't mean he was crushed to death by a massive pile of leaflets. I mean, that's where I found out about it.

He was an old misanthropist who hated the congregation and only went to Church so he could complain about the services. I shall miss him. Shame no Church people are allowed at his funeral.

However it reminded of that time I was invited to a service that was to be led by a "Humanist Elephant." Naturally I assumed it was a humorous autocorrect for "Celebrant."

You know, that elephant led the most sensitive, touching humanist service I have ever been to. Albeit she crushed the pulpit when she  leaned on it to make a particularly important point.

Afterwards I asked why she'd decided to embrace humanism. She said as a calf, they'd been taught that if they behaved, and carried tourists round the zoo, they'd be buried in the Elephant Graveyard and go to Elephant Heaven, where buns run freely and there are no mice.

But bad elephants, she was told, went to Elephant Hell, where there are low ceilings and they're eternally stalked by ivory hunters. And she was so scarred by this terrible image that, ever since, she has vowed to reject the cruel Elephant God and embrace a logical worldview - based only on what she can see in this world.

See, that's the trouble with humanists.

They never forget.

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