The Beaker Festival of Brexit Britain

News reaches us that, as the Tory Party's levels of incompetence reach the depths best described as "Jose Mourinho", Theresa May has decided that she wants to hold a "Festival of Britain".

Ever aware that there are whelk stalls all over the country that May and her party of malcontents and philanderers would be incapable of running, and that David Davis couldn't run a party in a brewery if he could even stay awake long enough, we think the Beaker Folk had better do this for her.

So in the best traditions of MK's Winter Wonderland and the New Forest Lapland, we're piling in regardless of talent or vision. Let's face it, that's not done Liam Fox any harm.

The centrepiece of the whole thing will be the giant floating polystyrene map of the United Kingdom in the Duck Pond. It's carefully designed so that Northern Ireland and Scotland can both be towed away if required.

The Tunnel of  Love is a wonder. A go-kart going through an underpass. However we're afraid that we can't allow anyone to use it as Boris Johnson has a block booking. Still, we do also have the "Boris Bridge". With one end on the bank of the pond near Duckhenge, and the other end just floating into space. Frankly, like Johnson, you can swear blind it goes anywhere you like. But, if you do ignore the "Remoaners" telling you that it's a death trap, poorly-conceived and a disaster, you can get in the shopping trolley, and be catapulted over the bridge, waving your Union Jack, and plummet off the end into the mud.

Sorry it's not a proper garden bridge. But the spider plants got caught in the frost. Which is odd. When the experts from the Met Office warned us the temperature was going to drop on Friday night, Michael Gove told us to pay no attention.

The good news is that the Beaker Festival of Brexit Britain will be using hi-tech to facilitate your frictionless entry into the park. All you need is your passports, birth certificates (to prove you're not foreign - some foreigners apparently have British passports these days), vaccination certificates, and your dental records (in case we have to retrieve you from the mud after you've gone on the Boris Bridge). We're hoping that some people will be able to get into the park within a week, at low season.

Those of an ethical nature will be pleased to hear that the Beaker Festival of Brexit Britain will serve only vegetarian food. This isn't really because we're against meat-eating. It's just we're assuming all the sheep farmers will have gone bust, and it will be too expensive to import meat from the Continent. Nevertheless, you can expect a fine range of seasonal British fare. Or, if it's August, basically blackberries. Sadly the "Regional Foods Stall" will be depleted by the loss of EU subsidies. We do however hope to get at least one Cornish Pasty, so we can all remember what they were. And the aforementioned whelk stall will be selling off very cheap sea food that has been turned away after queuing at Hull for a month.

We're really looking forward to welcoming visitors to encounter our most exciting attraction - "The Abyss of Doom". That's not a roller-coaster. It's just what we'll be looking into by then. Still, you can be distracted by the park comedian, Nigel Farage, as he runs around the park in his Union Jack underpants trying to persuade us this is all a really good idea.

But the opening night is going to be great. As a tribute to the wonderful work that this Government has done, we will have a march-past by the entire British Army. Given what we'll be able to afford by then, and the generally nostalgic concept of Brexit, we're expecting this to consist of an undertaker, a green-grocer, an incontinent, a boy with a scarf and his "uncle", all led by a bank manager. You may be wondering why I've not mentioned the shady spiv who always makes money out of dodgy practices, but Jacob Rees-Mogg will be too busy with his offshore interests to worry about our theme park.

The Fesitval of Brexit Britain. Tonight we're gonna party like it's 1951.

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