Just a Minute of Remembrance: RIP Nicholas Parsons

Introit: The Minute Waltz

Archdruid: And so as all the memories of our childhoods fade away, welcome to Just a Minute of Remembrance. In which our talented and exciting contestants will remember Nicholas Parsons without deviation, hesitation or repetition. And first with the eulogy we have Kenneth Williams.

Kenneth Williams: Of course the great thing about dear Nicholas Par-sons was that through hosting Just a Minute he was able to provide such a salubrious platform for myself. I could soar to the heights of eloquence, and then I would go home and plunge to the depths of depression that I had made such a prime fool of myself on national radio.

BUZZ

Archdruid: Paul Merton has challenged.

Paul Merton: Deviation. This is meant to be about Nicholas and all Kenneth is talking about is himself.

Archdruid: Paul, you have 50 seconds on Nicholas Parsons.

Paul Merton: Sadly, this would be a tactless day to enjoy a double-entendre such as you have just committed. Nicholas Parsons was to me a lovely, friendly, encouraging, lovely...

BUZZ

Sheila Hancock: Repetition of lovely?

Paul Merton: But he was lovely.

Archdruid: Sheila, you have 45 seconds.

Sheila: Oh, what's the subject again? I wasn't listening.

BUZZ

Derek Nimmo: Hesitation.

Sheila: Oh Derek you meanie.

Archdruid: Derek, you have 40 seconds on Nicholas Parsons.

Derek Nimmo: I remember during the filming of some television comedy in which I was playing a clergyman. "The Biblical Concept of Marriage" or some such far-fetched title, I seem to recall. And Nicholas had the role of the Scottish Presbyterian minister in the manse next door. Always seemed somewhat improbably to me, as the comedy was set in Purley, as all such....

BUZZ

Linda Smith: Repetition of comedy.

Kenneth Williams: Seems unlikely. I've barely spoken.

The congregation laughs, uncertain as to whether this was funny or merely a window into a particularly sad part of Williams's soul.

Archdruid: Linda, you have 30 seconds.

Linda Smith: I remember when I was a child and Nicholas would appear on Sale of the Century on Saturday evenings. "And now, from Norwich - the Quiz of the Week", it would be announced. And there would be Nicholas, refereeing a quiz in which a soldering iron manufacturer from Chelmsford would be competing with a tea towel sales representative from Luton as to who could win a toast rack and accompanying ironing board. And despite the banality of the format and prizes, Nicholas would still seem...

BUZZ

Kenneth Williams: Repetition of "Nicholas".

Archdruid: She's allowed to repeat Nicholas. He's the subject.

Kenneth Williams: Oh yes. Apologies. I though I was.

Archdruid: Linda, you have 20 seconds.

Linda Smith: And often the sol.... aaagh....

BUZZ

Peter Jones: Hesitation?

Archdruid: You have 15 seconds, Peter.

Peter Jones: Of course, I was lucky enough to work with Nicholas for many years. A great entertainer, loved my millions. And of course so was Nicholas.

BUZZ

Gyles Brandreth: Repetition of "of course"

Archdruid: Well done, Gyles. You get the last word...

Gyles Brandreth: As I did when I reclaimed the world title from Nicholas for "Longest after-dinner speech". And have I told you how both our - ahem - devices failed...

BUZZ

Victoria Wood: Repetition of that story.

WHISTLE

Archdruid: So St Peter has blown the whistle, and it turns out that we've all won. And yet, isn't it true to say, we've also all lost so much? I'd like to thank God for Nicholas Parsons making me laugh so many times. And yes, Kenny. You were lovely too.

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