Just Bloody Stay In

The press today is full of joy that from Monday, they believe, the lockdown in the UK will be loosened. Headlines include "First Steps to Freedom" (Express) "Happy Monday" (Sun) and "Get out there and die to get our shares up" (Telegraph).

But among the unconfined joy, as frolicking Brexiters lick each others' armpits in delight at the sudden lack of virus when only this afternoon Dominic Raab announced another more than 500 deaths, I'd like to introduce a slight, nuanced, cautious note.

Just bloody stay in.

Here's the nuance. I don't mean, totally stay in. By doing limited exercise outside the home, working from home when possible, only shopping for necessities and using delivery services, this country has massively reduced the face-to-face interaction rate. This is great news. The fact the normal human beings of this country were doing this before our useless, reckless, feckless government had really stopped worrying about its own love life tells us we're wiser than we looked when we elected them. To be fair, with such a useless opposition at the time, it wasn't a great choice. And I know that being more intelligent, more mindful of our neighbours, less reckless and less self-centred than Boris Johnson isn't hard. But nevertheless you can only beat the team that is in front of you. Well done, Britain.

Now I know some people are saying they're going to break lockdown if the Government doesn't change its rules. And I'm a scientist - with a bit of a background in virus research, as it goes, though not much and not recent. But I'm missing the lab. So I'd like to propose a bit of an experiment.

Let them go out. It's what they want. Let us see how they do when they're running around Trafalgar Square waving their union jacks. Give them four weeks. And see how the T0 (Telegraph-reading infectivity rate) is doing.

The rest of us, let's be what is known as a control group. While the Telegraphers are dancing in their union jack underpants under the Westway flyover, don't fall for it. When their party to celebrate VE Day is conga-ing down Bletchley High Street, let them. Drink your latest 22 bottles of Waitrose Direct wine or whatever is your tipple, raise your glass to The Boys (and a few Girls) - whether British, Canadian, American, Dutch, Free French, Polish, Indian, Russian or whoever. Feel sorry for the lies that were fed to the Germans. Pray it never happens again. Pray it never happens here like that. I know you're missing the pub, your friends, your family or your church. And yes it's really hard for all of us. But we've probably saved tens of thousands of lives over the last few weeks. So phone them up. Wave as you exercise past their window. Videocall, IM, text, or whatever. Join a virtual Morning Prayer. Say the rosary with the Shrine of Walsingham. Whatever. Just bloody stay in. Keep doing what you did last week, be careful, smile at strangers, say hello, while you stay well away from them.

Perhaps we could even have a Placebo Group, where we stick VR headsets on a few members of the Tory Party and just let them think they're doing the Lambeth Walk along the White Cliffs.  Give it four weeks. And then let's see how the Test Group are doing. And if they're just as well as the Control Group, maybe we can unlock and thank our red-faced guinea pigs. But my advice for now?

Just bloody stay in.

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