Liturgy for "A" Level Results "Encouragement"

 Archdruid: Are ye all of middle age and reasonable income?

All: We are.

Archdruid: Then us all now "encourage" those receiving "A" level results.

All: We all failed them and it didn't do us any harm.

Archdruid: Well, I didn't.

All: Sshhh!

Archdruid: It's getting easier all the time.

All: Not even proper exams this year.

Archdruid: Young people don't know they're born.

All: Staying at home with their feet up, just because little Mary has caught a potentially-fatal disease.

Little Celestine: What did you do in the Culture Wars, Nanny?

Archdruid: Oh, I blew a dog whistle.

All: And took your "A" levels as well?

Archdruid: Well you had to. There was a war on.

All: And also with us.

Archdruid: Getting the wrong grades didn't ruin my life.

All: Made us the people we are.

Archdruid: There's more important things than exams.

All: There's common sense.

Archdruid: How do you think those people would have tried to storm the wrong studios without common sense?

All: Made them the fools they are.

Archdruid: I went to the University of Life.

All: You went to Oxford.

Archdruid: Yeah, but I had to qualify from the School of Hard Knocks.

All: You went to St Mitholmroyd's School for the Daughters of the Distressed Gentry.

Archdruid: Yeah, but it were a struggle.

Lord Bethell: Getting the wrong grades bucked me up. I'd never have become a hereditary peer without it.

Telegraph Reporter: Any pretty girls picking up their grades? 

Archdruid: 45% Top Grades? In my day you had to be Swotty Charlie Swotkins to get a B. 

All: He's a vicar now.

Archdruid:  What a shame. All that wasted potential.

All: Could have been a Cabinet minister.

Archdruid: But he never got the Latin.

All: He never got the Latin for the rigorous Cabinet minister exams*.

Archdruid: You only have to get one answer right for the Vicaring exams.

All: They say "The Lord be with you".

Archdruid: And he scored 50%.Right, I'm off. Young Keith's cousin got 3As and we need to have a meal with the family before she attends a super-spreader event in Rock.

All: Can we say the final blessing?

Archdruid: May your grades be the best, may you get the place you want, may your Clearing if required be merciful.

All: Amen.

 

* RIP Peter Cook