In these days of high gas and fuel costs, everyone is wondering how to save money.
But here's what I'm sure it is saying.
First up, it's really easy to live without central heating if you have a wood-burning stove in every room. Obviously the stove will cost a grand or two. And then if you've saved money by not lining the chimney, you may accidentally start a chimney fire. But that's all warmth.
Sadly we deforested the entire orchard while looking for enough wood to stay alive during the "Beast from the East" a few years ago. But every day, bands of happy Beaker Folk trawl the countryside looking for discarded pallets, roadkill, and old carpets. And it all burns!
Obviously if you live in a tenement in Central London you may not have access to an actual chimney. And putting a new chimney on a modern estate house (I mean housing estate, not like Woburn Ashby, silly!) can be slow, messy and expensive. So I'd recommend venting the burner out of a window.
If it's a really cold day, visit your local dog rehoming charity and offer to look after one for a while. Dogs can manage without food for a few days, and you can take it back when the weather picks up.
Then there's sweaters. To avoid that "looking like a woman who lives in a van" concept that Georgina Fuller so frets about, I buy all my layers at Joules. Simple, stylish and warm.
And if, after you've splashed out in Joules, you need a bit more warmth on the cheap, send someone a bit common into Dunelm for you. The Teddy Bear Fleeces only have that incredible softness until you wash them. So don't wash them. They also have the advantage that, if you've borrowed a Labrador, the shed hair builds an extra insulating layer.
And never forget the importance of mood lighting! Investing in some smart bulbs can make such a difference as they give the whole house a warm, orange glow. Especially uplifting. Gives you that "cottage fireside" feeling without dazzling you.
If you're really lucky you'll have a house that mysteriously never suffers from condensation. I achieve this by a special Beaker meditation technique which slows my metabolism. In this case you don't have to worry about heating the space - just heat the body. Why not wrap yourself in layers of bubble wrap as you cluster around the switched off-telly?
And then there's the bath. Bath water is lovely and warm, and you can keep topping it up when it cools down!
Don't forget the importance of reducing draughts. You can make such a difference by nailing up unnecessary doors. And eliminate draughts from windows by painting over the frames and gaps. Cheaper than insulation!
Of course, I can appear stylish and bubble-wrap free. That's because I insulated the Moot House thanks to a Government scheme under New Labour. And I have an oil burner in the Druidical suite.
So, as you cancel your internet contracts to save money, I'm praying for a mild winter for you. And hope to see you in the spring!
