Things a Clergy Doesn't Want to Hear

"The Archdeacon called and says you've got to call him a "Mission Enabler" from now on."

"Badgers."

"A new church initiative."

"Mrs Merryweather is very upset."

"Deanery Synod this evening."

"New guidance from the Safeguarding team."

"The flower arrangers came round while you were out."

"The heating oil looks a bit low." * 

"People have been complaining about you. I can't tell you who. Or what."

"There's a lovely view of the church now the wall has fallen down."

"I've written a letter to the bishop. It's about the flaking plaster."

"Wasn't the deadline for the church magazine yesterday?"

"The local paper rang."

"Your predecessor promised I could be buried there in 2014. Of course, he didn't do any paperwork. Mrs Braythwayte is just going to have to come back up."

"I didn't realise I needed permission for Father's memorial. Do you not like the ivory elephants?"

"Have you looked at Facebook?"

"Under the new Nett Zero rules, you can't replace the lead without insulating the roof. Except the DAC won't let you insulate the roof."

"The Diocese have put a million quid into a HTB church plant in the Village Hall. Isn't that good?" 

"We'd like our baby christened. But don't want it religious."

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* New this week, and yet also evergreen.