Excuse waiver

What a dramatic Occasion this afternoon. The Excuse Waiver service, where we write down on pork-pie-shaped pieces of paper our excuses for the bad things we have done, and hang them on the Weasel Tree. A panel of Druids agree whether the excuses are plausible and, if they are, you can consider yourself not so much forgiven as let off with a caution.

I'm pleased to list below the excuses that were considered plausible, and those we rejected out of hand. Those whose excuses were ruled officially as likely as a Jeffrey Archer claim to fame, or as acceptable as a House of Lords' expenses claim, can continue to hang their heads in shame.  They know who they are. As indeed do Hnaef and I, as we've dusted the excuse pies for prints.

PLAUSIBLE

I was busy, and forgot her birthday

I forgot we'd moved to Kent

I had a 10-minute homicidal amnesia interlude. I'm sure it's never happened before...

The undiagnosed diabetes made me irritable

I'd forgotten it was loaded

I'd been ill

UNACCEPTABLE

I made the church my priority

How was I to know the absinthe would react with the prescription anti-histamines like that?

S/he doesn't understand me

I was worrying about my sick cat

Everybody else did it

Just because the Bible banned it doesn't mean you can't lie to people nowadays

I'd been wrapped up in my work

I was only wondering how fast the police car was going

I really thought they had WMDs