Feast of the Restoration of Charles II (1660)

8 am - Erection of the Maypole

9 am - Period of gloating at the discomfiture of all miserable fun-hating ratbags*

10 am - Community game of Hide and Pepys (lock up your servant girls)

11 am - Dragging Cromwell around the grounds behind a horse (in the absence of Cromwell we'll use Burton. In the absence of a horse we'll use a Landrover)

11.30 am - First aid for Burton

Noon - Nuncheon

2 pm - Throwing tennis balls at the beetroot with a wig (traditional Liverpool game)

3 pm - Parade of spaniels

4 pm - Parade of mistresses (names of the mistresses' boyfriends withheld for legal reasons)

5 pm - Evening prayer with Plainchant (Archdruid's note: I've no idea how this crept in here, but it is so relaxing)

6 pm - Dinner (Cakes & Ale)

7 pm - Entertainment (Beer & Skittles)

8 pm - Setting fire to the Maypole

9 pm - Another rebellion (to the setting "Duke of Monmouth")

*If May 29 falls on the day after a European Champions League final, this may include a period of sorrow for the losers. Unless it's Man Utd, in which case it won't.