Rules for Spontaneous Musical Clapping

Some quick thoughts on the clapping that took place during this morning's rendition of "How Great Thou Art".

I'd like to say how good it was that clapping broke out. Firstly because it hid Burton's screams as he ran after the Land Rover. And when I say "ran after", I do of course mean "was dragged down the gravel drive by".
But secondly because the clapping that broke out was spontaneous and informal - just the sort of thing we want.

But spontaneity's no good unless you get it right. So please can you ensure you follow these instructions:

• Teenagers should stand with their hands glued to their sides, resolutely looking at the floor and refusing to break their "cool".
• Middle-aged Men should clap  on the 2nd and 4th beats of the bar, like the frustrated old rockers they are.
• Small children should run around, clapping wildly and randomly.
• Older folk should first of all refuse to clap at all, on the grounds that "we never clapped in Archdruid Elvis's days back in the 50s". However, seeing the fun their grandchildren are having, half of you must then change your minds and clap wildly like the kids. In extreme cases feel free to break out the Community's emergency chest of tambourines and shakers. But not the maracas. Please, please not the maracas.
• Everybody else should clap on the 1st and 3rd beats, to prove that you ain't got no soul. Middle-aged women should additionally sway side to side - ideally clapping above shoulder height.
• The Leadership team will refuse to take part on the grounds that it is undignified - until we realise that everyone else is clapping. At which point we will take part randomly and in an over-exaggerated manner to prove that we are leading the worship.
• A nominated person should fail to realise the song has finished, and continue for another half-line into the non-existent next verse. A slight rueful smile will be allowed on the lips of everyone else. 

I hope this is all clear. Now I need to see an improvement in our spontaneous clapping. And if it doesn't get better soon we're gonna practice every Wednesday evening until it does.