Rules of Engagement for Worship Time

As all Beaker Folk will know, I'm not a great fan of rules. I prefer to trust in the innate gooodness of humanity. OK, this means I'm always disappointed - but that's the risk you take when you trust people.

There are, of course, some rules we would need even if we lived in a perfect world. Such as driving on the left. Imagine the horror if everyone just drove where they liked. Or even, unimaginable as it might be, on the right.

But still, I feel it's time to remind Beaker People of the rules we do need to follow at times of worship.

1.  Air horns are forbidden at all times, except during the Liturgy of Air horns, when they're compulsory.

2.  Any act of worship or social event we advertise as for "over 50s" is actually intended for those much older. Please don't attend if you're under 70 or so. You won't enjoy it.

3.  At the other end of the age spectrum, we welcome children at all Occasions. However there is a serious risk that they will find everything extremely tedious. Children don't seem able to resist boredom as effectively as those who've had 40 or 50 years of it. And we find that enjoying our own spiritual moments is difficult when we're worshipping with a background of running about, crying and fighting - which can only be made worse if there are children around. So that's why at the back of the Moot House we have a kind of holding pen. It's full of grubby soft toys and unmatched game pieces, and some furniture which wasn't good enough for someone's house but was good enough for the children of the house of God. So shove them in there, and if they're still noisy despite these delights we'll Glare at you.

4.  When the Procession enters the Moot House please stand up out of respect. I'd like to say that this isn't because I'm better than you. But actually it's because I am.  Please don't shout "she's behind you!" at the acolytes. It's an old joke, and it also puts them on edge.

5.  The comfy seats are in the front rows to encourage you to sit at the front. If we'd wanted all the comfy seats moved to the back, we'd have put the Worship Focus and Important Seats at the other end of the building.

6.  Violins and guitars in the Music Group must always be excruciatingly out of tune. I know this is an odd kind of rule. But if I make it compulsory, at least I'm giving the impression that we have some kind of control over the situation.

7. We have been suffering, during times of Open Prayer, with people banging on for hours bringing in all sorts of stuff only they know about, and on one occasion giving Bible references and quoting the original Greek. So note that contributions to Open Prayer are limited to one minute. With no hesitation, deviation or repitition.

8.  Party poppers are strictly banned at candle-lit services.

9.  Singing out of tune, too loudly, is an offence against the human rights of hearing and happiness. I'm introducing a "three strikes and you're out" policy.

10. All of the notices are on the notice sheet. And on the website. And on "A moot near you". In order that everyone knows what's going on, I will therefore read them all out at the start of each Occasion. And then there will be special reminders at the end if there's anything we don't want you to forget.

11. We scrapped the OHP because it was so shockingly behind the times. That's why we moved to a data projector. But please can Beaker Folk refrain from making shadow puppets. It's a real distraction from singing the latest, most meaningful love song to our Lord if it takes place while playful bunnies hop across the screen.

12. Chairs
a) The first person to sit on a row of chairs must sit on the second chair in. Sitting on the very end looks very antisocial, while sitting in the middle looks very needy - almost like you want someone to sit next to you.
b) Non-related people in the same row must sit at least two chairs apart. If on adjacent rows, only one chair diagonally is acceptable.
c) Do not sit in the same row as another person while empty rows are still available.
d) When starting a new row, do not  sit directly behind the only person in the row in front. It tends to freak them out.
e) If when you arrive there are no chairs available that are not next to people you're not related to or best friends with - go and find another place to worship.
By following these rules, we will ensure the optimal packing ratio of one Beaker person to every 4.7 seats.