The Higgs Boson Tapes (3)

"Hiya, Higgsy! Brian Cox here.

Look, it was brilliant we finally made contact after all this time. And don't get me wrong - you are brilliant and everything. It's fantastic that we found you.

But let's face it, you're not very big, are you? So I can't really be filmed in dramatic profile with you setting behind me. That wouldn't be very exciting at all.

And you're not cute like a baby turtle. So it's not even worth filming me sitting with you on the beach.

So if it's OK by you, I'm going to get a couple a shots of me standing by the Large Hadron Collider, explaining how everything travels at a million, million, million miles an hour and it's all fantastic.

And then I'm going to go and get some fantastic CGI of me falling into a blackhole. It's gonna look brilliant, and I'm going to look like I'm a gazillion miles - that's a "1" with a load of noughts - long.

So is it OK if we just let you know if we need you?

Brilliant!"