Beating Posh People with Sticks to Get the Demons Out

You know, often people will come to see me and say, "Archdruid, I'm very posh and I think God hates me. What are you going to do about it?"

And it's a very complex question. After all, some might say, if somebody is very posh, clearly God is going to hate them. What else, being a loving and forgiving God, could God possibly do?

But I don't go along with this. Love the posh person, beat out the poshness. That's what I say.

And I do believe that posh people can change. Obviously, they can give the Beaker People all their money. That makes them - at least, in a measurable kind of way - less posh. Although it doesn't affect their posh voices. Well, it does. Some of the richer ones can almost have a sob in their voices as they tell me how I've lightened the load on them. By the way, don't forget that thanks to George Osborne's stupid charitable giving changes, it's better for you to give me money this year, rather than next. And it's better for me as well. So give early!

But just giving your money away doesn't make you less posh inside. No, for that, real, deep, spiritual changes need to be made. In the old days, Beaker People used to deal with posh people by throwing stones at them. After a short period of this kind of treatment, they could barely be described as posh at all.

But the Nanny State had to step in, didn't it. So now we're not allowed to throw stones at posh people as a form of healing at all. And so we've needed to resort to the other traditional Beaker way of dealing with all basically evil ailments.

Beating people with sticks to drive out demons.

As long as we describe it as a "traditional faith-based therapy", the Government don't touch us. Obviously, we don't just go round beating any old posh people we meet with sticks to drive out the demons. Oh no - that would be wrong. And, more importantly, illegal. For us to beat a posh person with sticks, they've got to want to stop being posh. They've got to need to change. They've got to believe that we can change them. They've got to sign the contract that says it's not our fault if we beat them too hard with sticks. Because let's face it, it's not as if we like posh people - that's why they need changing. It's easy to get carried away with the beating.

And there's always the dangers of regression. After an hour or two of beating people with sticks, some start to imagine they're back at Eton or Winchester. And then they can become posher than ever.

But we do find that beating people with sticks gives results. After a few hours' treatment, they can start using words that are barely posh at all. And when they remember how much we're charging for the treatment, they can go positively Anglo-Saxon. At this point we stick a label on them saying "Formerly Posh".

That's why we're putting a banner on the Beaker Minibus. It says "Are you posh? We can beat you with sticks to get the demons out." We reckon it's gonna draw them in. And not be taken, in the Woburn area, as deliberate anti-posh sloganising at all.