Celebration of Sporting Triumph and Political Correctness

Hymn: We are the Champions

Archdruid: Let us praise famous men

All: Don't forget the girls, Eileen.

Archdruid: Don't you mean "women"?

All: Oops.

Liturgy of Sanctimony

First Voice : The race is not always to the swift.

Second Voice: Nor the fight to the strong.

Third Voice: You say what you like, if it makes you feel better. I had an accumulator on Mo, Jess and Usain Bolt.

Petitions of uncertain divine intervention

Reader: Let us now pray for the success of all our lovely British Athletes.

Archdruid: I'm not sure that's quite right. I'm sure many of the other athletes are made in God's image as well.

Reader: But are they British?

Archdruid: No. Why does that matter?

Reader: We are. And the British athletes are. And God is.

Archdruid: OK, get the Inquisition.

Mandeville (or, as it may be, Wenlock) may approach the prayer-reader, subdue him (or, as it may be, her) with a stun-gun and they will depart to the Re-education room.

Archdruid: OK. Anybody else wanna make my day... I mean, lead the prayers?

Reader 2: Although we know that God has no nationality, except, possibly, by the Communication Idiomatum, Israeli...

Voice 4: Or Palestinian? He was born in Bethlehem.

Reader 2: Good point. But let's not open that can of worms.

Voice  4: You started it.

Reader 2: I think that, in a very real sense, Abraham started it. But can we push on? So... yet though we cannot pray for the success of our British athletes, we pray that they will be defended from injuries, ailments and slight chills...

Voice 5: That's just praying for them to win by a different route.

Reader 2: Look, this isn't easy. Can't we just pray for our athletes, and the other nations pray for theirs, and then God can add up the votes, like the X-factor?

Voice 6: That's unfair on the small countries. They wouldn't get so many prayers.

Voice 7: It hasn't done the New Zealanders any harm.

Archdruid: Look, just how many "Voices" have we got in this liturgy? I thought we'd just have a bit of variety. Instead we've got The Dynasts.

Spirit of the Age: And so the little latter-day Napoleon continued her plans to dominate the planet from her den in Husborne Crawley...

Archdruid Eileen: OK, sort him out.

Mandeville or, as it may be, Wenlock, subdues the Spirit of the Age with a taser and drags him off for reprogramming.

Reader 2: Well, God's feeling sorry for the New Zealanders. If they didn't have lots of gold medals to look at for the next four years, they'd just sit around counting sheep and making hobbit films and having a good standard of living and being mistaken for Aussies whenever they go abroad and.... is anyone listening?

Archdruid: Let's knock it on the head. Dear God, please let all the athletes have giant dead heats. All have win, and all shall have prizes. OK? Let's rock.

Hymn: Sprint, then, wherever you may be...