The Beaker Catechism

It's so hard to find a ready-to-wear Catechism, isn't it? They're all just a bit kind of prescriptive? That's why, in our next "Beaker Course" we're going to be using our newly-written "Beaker Catechism".

1. What do you understand by "God"?

- I think God's - you know - pretty much how we want to God to be.

2. Can you be a bit more specific?

- God could be described as the Ground of our Being. Gosh, Ground's such a very - round word, isn't it? Like "round". That's a very rrrr-ound word as well. I wonder if God will be friends with me?

3. And what of Jesus Christ?

- Well Jesus is just this guy, you know? I mean, cool and everything - if he existed. And I'm not saying he didn't. Let's face it, my concept of history is just about as flaky as my idea of science - as you'll discover when we get on to Creation. But whether he existed or not, he had 12 disciples who went to the ends of the earth and founded his Church. And I'm pretty sure the Church existed, at some point.

4. Any similar words of wisdom on the Holy Spirit?

- Now everybody loves the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is the bit of God which broke off, and wanders round all spiritual on earth, and exists to make us feel all nice and spiritual when we think about bunnies, sunsets and stuff...

5. You never worry about maybe straying into heresy at all?

- Heresy is like Boris Johnson hanging from the zip-wire in your living room. You'll recognise it when you see it.

6. Have you ever seen Boris Johnson hanging from a zip-wire in your living room?

- Let's just say, my husband wasn't at all pleased. Moving on?

7. What is the nature of Creation?

- At the moment of Big Bang, all the Large Hadron Gliders, earwigs and fish came into being. These coalesced into the earth. Some of the fish turned into a succession of apes following each other in a line, getting gradually bigger. This is called Evolution. One day all the apes will have devolved sufficiently to be able to enter Big Brother. This is called the Ascent of Man.

8. What is the relationship between the earth and you?

- I have wrecked the earth. It is my own fault, my own grievous fault. The ice caps have all melted, Greenland is now a giant barren rock, the polar bears have eaten all the penguins and I did it. And all the Beez are ded.

9. And what are you doing about it?

- I thought maybe buy a 4x4? They're really handy in floods, I hear.

10. What is the chief end of Man?

- that's a bit cheeky, isn't it?

11. No. I mean, what are we here for?

- Well, mostly because you told me we'd got chilli and nachos after the talking. Oh - you mean existentially? The chief end of Man is to express himself, to get loads of stuff and to landscape his garden. And the chief end of Woman is like unto it. Girls just wanna have fun. Above all, as Jesus said, "be true to yourself."

12. That wasn't Jesus.

- Whatever.