Mixed Motives in Worship Attendance

Interesting results from our "worship attendance" questionnaire.

54% of people said that they were either in agreement or strong agreement with the statement "I like it when the whining noise from the front stops." I'm hoping they mean the heating unit, and not the sermon, but I'm not sure.

23% said they thought using tea lights in worship was "cutting edge and creative". 19% said "dull and pointless". 15% said "dangerous". And the rest said "why can't we have proper candles?"

Asked the question "what is the main reason you are a member of the Beaker Folk?" a scary number answered "the biscuits". 9% are lovers of Woods Ware crockery, and only come because they "like drinking instant coffee out of a proper Beryl cup". 12% mentioned "friends", nobody came expecting "a firm line on penal substitution."

14% had only come in by mistake, thinking we were Newport Pagnell Services. As it happened, we took the questionnaire after Burton's "Spirit of 80s Gary Numan" session. Which meant that, given the sense of alienation, pointlessness and bleak nihilism Burton conjured up, they actually left still thinking they were at Newport Pagnell.

25% said the songs were "too unfamiliar". 25% said they were "too old". 25% said they were "too fast" and 25% said they were "too slow". This was a multi-tick option, of course. So 14% said they were both "too old" and "too unfamiliar". 19% just didn't like songs.

76% said they thought there were too many women involved in leadership. However, when this headline figure is broken out, turns out they just meant me. I'm thinking we phrased this question badly.

45% wanted the Tea Light Stand moved. 55% wanted it left where it was.

Asked what the best part of the service was, 70% said "the Worship". Thus betraying woeful theological deficiencies which would be supported by the mere 5% who said  "the Preaching". The 25% who said "The end" were not considered statistically significant.

Asked to explain which type of theology they felt most affirmed by, 7% said "conservative evangelicalism". 19% embraced traditional Catholic theology, as long as they didn't have to do what the church or the Pope said. 44% liked trees, while 30% said they were in favour of extended analogies involving what it would be like if God were a squirrel.