A Mourinho Liturgy

Introduction

Archdruid: Peace be with you.

All: We have nothing to say.

Archdruid: Don't you think it's a wonderful world?

All: We have nothing to say.

Confession:

Archdruid: Let us confess the naughty things we have done in this naughty world.

All: You think we have done wrong things?

Archdruid:; Maybe made the wrong decisions?

All: We can't say anything about the decisions.

Responsive Reading (Book of Jose)

Archdruid: May they be ever seeing, but never perceiving. Ever spotting Lucas's 2nd yellow, but never noticing Costa's nasty kick in the ribs.

All: We never saw it. We cannot comment.

Affirmation of Faith (according to the new experimental texts)

Archdruid: Do you believe in God and, you know, stuff like that?

All: We have nothing to say.

Archdruid: Do you reject doing naughty stuff?

All: We did not see anything wrong. It was all down to something that happened that we cannot mention.

Archdruid: Will you try and do good stuff?

All: You said this service would last 30 minutes. It is now 30 minutes and 35 seconds. These things only happen to us.

The Peace

Archdruid: Let's share a sign of peace together.

All: If we don't want to shake hands, maybe we don't want to shake hands.

Dismissal

Archdruid: Let us go in..... hang on, where are you going?

All may walk abruptly up the tunnel