The Plague of Ladybirds

 And Moses saith unto Pharaoh another plague shall ye endure. For the land will crawl with harlequin ladybirds. They shall creep across every surface, and die on thy hard surfaces and the inside of they windows. And still Pharaoh would not let the people go.

But Moses' aim was out that date. And the plague arrived thirty hundred years later, in the land that is called Ingerland.

And they mostly got stuck in old churches. For they had flourished late in the warm autumn and winter, and awakening in cold churches did they search for the holes through which they had crawled to hibernate.

And vergers, wardens, and clergies throughout the land did wax woeful. And cry out against the little shiny invaders which dropped dead on all their altars, and crawled across their memorial tablets, and clung against the windows seeking the light.

And some saith, it is like unto the year 1976. When we had another plague of ladybirds. And they did crunch under our feet, like unto the rock that is sold in Skegness if thou bash it on a table.

And some saith, they are an alien species from an alien place. And must die to save our native two-spotted and seven-spotted ladybirds.

And others saith, doth the Good Book not tell us to protect the alien? Who thinkest thou that thou art?

And the church cleaners did sweep them up in bushels, and throw them into the darkness that lurkest under the yews in the churchyards.

Moot Update: Re-definition of the Planet Skaro

 We've always been a welcoming community. But we're struggling with the increasing numbers of Thals that have taken refuge. They're nice enough. But having them wandering around all day, telling us how violence is bad, can be a bit aggravating when you want to get out and at the more recalcitrant Beaker Folk with a cricket bat.

We had to take action. So the Moot this evening has declared that from now on, Skaro is a safe planet.

And if the Moot says it's safe, it's safe. Mr Davros assures me it's very welcoming.

The Slaying of St George

In common with other great moral and educational institutions, and Magdalen College Oxford, we shall not be celebrating St George’s Day here at the Beaker Folk.

We consider St George to be “stale, pale, male”, the archetypal Englishman who would rather stab a maiden-eating dragon to death with a spear than get it round the table to see whether it can find a compromise – eg only eating old people or something.

As part of our cosmopolitan, forward-looking, eclectic religious oecumenicalism we shall tomorrow instead be celebrating the traditional Catalan feast, La Diada da Sant Jordi. This will feature vegetarian bullfighting,  a procession of roses, and a free bottle of San Miguel with a slice of lime in the neck for every Beaker Person.

I know some people will be fuming about this. The St George’s Day dinner is a tradition that goes all the way back to 2018. But you have to move with the times. And the times say goodbye St George. And Hola, Sant Jordi!