Now this is very important, and fundamental to the very nature of the Community here. So I'm going to have to lay this on the line. It's really not going to do anyone any good if I beat around the bush here.
Some people have asked me whether maybe the Beaker life is not challenging enough. They've been noting the lives of some of the famous disciples - Peter, for example, Stephen or maybe James. And they've noticed that quite a lot of them, on the whole, ended up dead at an earlier age than might have been expected. They notice that Paul, among his many adventures and brave preaching of the Gospel, ended up getting beaten up, flogged and imprisoned more often than is the average.They have suggested that, if the "Beloved Disciple" was that same St John that washed up having a Revelation on Patmos, then maybe that was a lonely place for the lad who spent the early days of the faith at the heart of a group of disciples to end up.
They have noted the long and nasty history of many of the people that followed on - and the lives being cut short, even today, of thousands of Christians worldwide - of places where they are persecuted, imprisoned, kidnapped.
And they've noted a long tradition of holiness and self-denial, of discipline and trying to act the right way.
And they've asked whether we're missing something in our daily life.
And I've said to them - yes, it's true. Apart from when battle breaks out over what scent the tea lights should be, we rarely get involved in any punch-ups due to our faith.
But I say, look at the struggles we go through every day. We work ceaselessly to ensure that every liturgy we use provides maximum personal fulfillment and uplifting experience. We'd not have time to do this if we were constantly battling the desires of the flesh.
And hungering and thirsting after righteousness is all fine, sure. But if it's spiritual experiences you want, then getting all holy first is a long way round. I mean, some of those saints had to work for years before they really got godly - and that's a long old wait for a blessing. We offer easy-access ritual providing a short-cut to beatific feelings.
But don't think we are immune to self-criticism. We are not afraid to take a long hard look at ourselves. After every act of worship we ask ourselves - did that work? Were people uplifted? Did they find themselves challenged - but not in a depressing kind of way? Were the music group in tune (answer - almost certainly not). Did we "break through" in a new and exciting kind of way - even newer and more exciting than we did last time?
But we don't want to go letting that spill over into our daily lives too much. After all, many Beaker People would find that, if they didn't carry on being grouchy, moaning and back-stabbing at work, they would be under stress. And stress is a bad thing. You don't want to go getting stressed, as if you do you'll be unhappy and not enjoy yourself. Much better to be yourself - no matter how sneaky and unpleasant that may be.
You see, it's not like we don't reverence saints. Of course we do. We love saints. Saints are great examples for us to look at. But they're just a bit kind of strenuous, aren't they? As Eustacia Vye remarked about St Paul, while he was excellent in the Bible he'd hardly do in real life. Going round denying self, living for God, being all things to all people - it's all a bit much. And we love Mother Julian of Norwich deeply, and will often reflect on a hazelnut in her honour (in appropriate season - we're not barbarians, after all) - but getting locked up in a brick cell so as to concentrate more on the divine is not my idea of a balanced spiritual life.
So I've suggested that if they want a more demanding spiritual life, maybe they could attend the extra-late Howling at the Moon and extra-early Saluting the Dawn (which can be carried out an any time of night, due to our dawn-simulator in the Moot House). With a bit of luck they should find that the sleep deprivation gives some lovely spiritual feelings.
Showing posts with label Spiritual Growth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Spiritual Growth. Show all posts
Saturday, 14 January 2012
Tuesday, 26 April 2011
The Contemplative Life
Sometimes a member of the Community will have a certain kind of spiritual experience. I can always tell it by the radiance of their faces and the look in their eyes. And when it happens, they come to me and they tell me they've achieved a new kind of spiritual depth. They've realised the futility of piling up worldly wealth. And they tell me that they've given up their jobs, they've rejected vulgar mundane manual work, and they just want to sit at my feet and learn new spiritual truths.
And I always look them in their starry eyes, and I say to them, very gently, "You've got three minutes to run before I let the dogs out."
And do you know, some of them are on such a spiritual high, they spend the next three minutes wondering what deep meaning there might be to the concept of "the dogs" getting out. But they always run in the end.
"If a man will not work he will not eat", said St Paul. And I'm sure if he had had a couple available, he'd have put something about rotties in there as well.
And I always look them in their starry eyes, and I say to them, very gently, "You've got three minutes to run before I let the dogs out."
And do you know, some of them are on such a spiritual high, they spend the next three minutes wondering what deep meaning there might be to the concept of "the dogs" getting out. But they always run in the end.
"If a man will not work he will not eat", said St Paul. And I'm sure if he had had a couple available, he'd have put something about rotties in there as well.
Tuesday, 29 March 2011
On spiritual and physical exercise
I don't know whether it's because I mentioned my call-up to the England team, but there's been a minor flurry of excitement in the Beaker Community to do with exercise. And that's more than just Hnaef running around at this evening's 5-a-side, maiming people due to playing in hiking boots. Although he has done that. Again.
No, Marston Moretaine's the main culprit. He's decided that his body is a temple. Although what sort of temple you could compare to Marston's body is baffling me. Possibly one that is now under the care of the Society for Unloved Churches, whose slates are falling off, the lead's been nicked, the font's sprung a leak and the church mouse has invited his mates round for a mousey Rave in the Nave with his mates the bats. One where the (mad) former vicar still hangs around the graveyard, screaming at anyone that passes that he is actually the 3rd horseman of the apocalypse, before trying to saddle up on Barney, the village donkey and getting an unexpected kick. That kind of a temple.
So he's received his Induction today down in Milton Keynes - there's more leisure centres and gyms in Milton Keynes than Bedford, and they tend to be newer. Especially now they've knocked down the one at Bletchley, where the particularly cunning squash shots used to land in the small piles of sick in the corners of the court. I kid you not.
And after the induction, Marston got so enthused that he spent three hours down there, "pumping iron", doing crunches, lifting weights, pedalling on the exercise bikes and walking on the walking machine. I mean - what's going on there? You spend £364 per year (cleverly the £1 off makes it less than £1 per day) to do exercises, the majority of which you could actually do for free or at least near to it. I mean, for £364 you could buy a decent bike and a year's supply of puncture repair kits. For free, you could walk along a real footpath and see real countryside, without the unpleasant distraction of VH1. And if you want to lug heavy weights consisting of packs of doilies or tree trunks around, and chop wood - developing those crucial abs, pecs, biceps and abdominal muscles - well, I don't say I actually pay anyone for that, but their treasure is guaranteed 100% stored up in heaven. And what are crunches all about? I call £364 a year an expensive way to roll around on a luxuriously-carpeted floor screaming that you've got a muscle spasm in your stomach.
So anyway, after all that time Marston could honestly be said to be considerably closer to God than he was. And as a bonus his face is in Lenten colours. He tells me that he feels fantastic, but I put that down to the endorphins. Again, if you want to get a feeling of pain that resolves itself into a strangely pleasant mental sensation, I'd recommend a bottle of chilli sauce. Or a three-hour talk from Drayton Parslow on "Why Rob Bell's view of Hell is heretical, and I'm not going to waste the money buying the book, or the time reading it, to prove that I'm right". Although admittedly the only pleasant mental sensation you get in those circumstances is when you finally slam the door behind his back as he leaves.
So in summary, I reckon spiritual and physical exercises are pretty similar. They both involve changing colours, they both affect the heart rate and they bring you fairly rapidly closer to an experience of Heaven, one way or the other. People like to attend gyms, like churches, in groups. And although they often start off with good intentions, attendance tends to drop off after a while, as they discover it's hard work and requires discipline, commitment and dedication after the initial quick wins. And it turns out they both hit you fairly hard in the pocket. In fact, I'm so inspired by the idea, I'm thinking of adding the Beaker Exercise Suite - just as soon as I've worked out what passes for ancient British exercise. Apart from running away from Celts, of course.
No, Marston Moretaine's the main culprit. He's decided that his body is a temple. Although what sort of temple you could compare to Marston's body is baffling me. Possibly one that is now under the care of the Society for Unloved Churches, whose slates are falling off, the lead's been nicked, the font's sprung a leak and the church mouse has invited his mates round for a mousey Rave in the Nave with his mates the bats. One where the (mad) former vicar still hangs around the graveyard, screaming at anyone that passes that he is actually the 3rd horseman of the apocalypse, before trying to saddle up on Barney, the village donkey and getting an unexpected kick. That kind of a temple.
So he's received his Induction today down in Milton Keynes - there's more leisure centres and gyms in Milton Keynes than Bedford, and they tend to be newer. Especially now they've knocked down the one at Bletchley, where the particularly cunning squash shots used to land in the small piles of sick in the corners of the court. I kid you not.
And after the induction, Marston got so enthused that he spent three hours down there, "pumping iron", doing crunches, lifting weights, pedalling on the exercise bikes and walking on the walking machine. I mean - what's going on there? You spend £364 per year (cleverly the £1 off makes it less than £1 per day) to do exercises, the majority of which you could actually do for free or at least near to it. I mean, for £364 you could buy a decent bike and a year's supply of puncture repair kits. For free, you could walk along a real footpath and see real countryside, without the unpleasant distraction of VH1. And if you want to lug heavy weights consisting of packs of doilies or tree trunks around, and chop wood - developing those crucial abs, pecs, biceps and abdominal muscles - well, I don't say I actually pay anyone for that, but their treasure is guaranteed 100% stored up in heaven. And what are crunches all about? I call £364 a year an expensive way to roll around on a luxuriously-carpeted floor screaming that you've got a muscle spasm in your stomach.
So anyway, after all that time Marston could honestly be said to be considerably closer to God than he was. And as a bonus his face is in Lenten colours. He tells me that he feels fantastic, but I put that down to the endorphins. Again, if you want to get a feeling of pain that resolves itself into a strangely pleasant mental sensation, I'd recommend a bottle of chilli sauce. Or a three-hour talk from Drayton Parslow on "Why Rob Bell's view of Hell is heretical, and I'm not going to waste the money buying the book, or the time reading it, to prove that I'm right". Although admittedly the only pleasant mental sensation you get in those circumstances is when you finally slam the door behind his back as he leaves.
So in summary, I reckon spiritual and physical exercises are pretty similar. They both involve changing colours, they both affect the heart rate and they bring you fairly rapidly closer to an experience of Heaven, one way or the other. People like to attend gyms, like churches, in groups. And although they often start off with good intentions, attendance tends to drop off after a while, as they discover it's hard work and requires discipline, commitment and dedication after the initial quick wins. And it turns out they both hit you fairly hard in the pocket. In fact, I'm so inspired by the idea, I'm thinking of adding the Beaker Exercise Suite - just as soon as I've worked out what passes for ancient British exercise. Apart from running away from Celts, of course.
Friday, 29 October 2010
When Treasurers Ruled the Earth
While everyone else has been down the pub, I've been doing some planning.
So from now on, every Beaker Person is to write a Spiritual Update each day. It must include the ways in which they progressed today, the ways in which they intend to progress tomorrow, and any spiritual blockers that may prevent them making that progress. I expect to see the Updates at 9pm promptly each night. Starting tomorrow, obviously. I shall be issuing a pad of forms to each Beaker Person in the morning.
It has also become apparent that we are terribly slack about the way we manage spiritual experiences. Currently any Beaker Person wanting to have a spiritual experience can just go and do it. No governance, no management, no control. So I am introducing form SE1 - Spiritual Experience Request. From now on, any Beaker Person wanting to have a spiritual experience, or feeling one coming on. must fill in an SE1. That SE1 will be approved by his or her Spiritual Auditor - a Spiritual Auditor being like a Spiritual Director, but with circular glasses and no share options. Once it is approved by the Spiritual Auditor, and I have counter-signed it (or another approved member of the Druidic Council) and presuming the moment hasn't passed,the Beaker Person can feel free to enjoy their spiritual experience. Afterwards, we will ask them to fill in either an SE2/E (edifying spiritual experience) or SE2/D (disappointing spiritual experience) or, in really extreme circumstances, SE2/F (frightening spiritual experience).
The Hnaefs have now gone off for the weekend to Brussels, Archdruid Eileen was last seen building a Wicker Person to get more light, and Drayton Parslow is refusing to come back unless somebody repents. And so, Dear Readers, it appears that I am still in charge of the Community. And I have been thinking about imposing some proper spiritual rigour. What we need is process. What a certified accountant sees, looking around this community, is a total lack of people filling in forms.
So from now on, every Beaker Person is to write a Spiritual Update each day. It must include the ways in which they progressed today, the ways in which they intend to progress tomorrow, and any spiritual blockers that may prevent them making that progress. I expect to see the Updates at 9pm promptly each night. Starting tomorrow, obviously. I shall be issuing a pad of forms to each Beaker Person in the morning.
It has also become apparent that we are terribly slack about the way we manage spiritual experiences. Currently any Beaker Person wanting to have a spiritual experience can just go and do it. No governance, no management, no control. So I am introducing form SE1 - Spiritual Experience Request. From now on, any Beaker Person wanting to have a spiritual experience, or feeling one coming on. must fill in an SE1. That SE1 will be approved by his or her Spiritual Auditor - a Spiritual Auditor being like a Spiritual Director, but with circular glasses and no share options. Once it is approved by the Spiritual Auditor, and I have counter-signed it (or another approved member of the Druidic Council) and presuming the moment hasn't passed,the Beaker Person can feel free to enjoy their spiritual experience. Afterwards, we will ask them to fill in either an SE2/E (edifying spiritual experience) or SE2/D (disappointing spiritual experience) or, in really extreme circumstances, SE2/F (frightening spiritual experience).
Likewise with the issuing of tea lights. From now on, anyone wanting to light one tea light for a minor spiritual lift will only have to fill in the SE3/TL form. On the other hand, someone planning a major tea light-related event, such as a tea light labyrinth or a cross, Celtic Knot or other spiritual tea light shape on the floor or focus table of the Moot House will have to fill in an ISE/1 (Illuminated spiritual event) form and have it approved by the Druidic Council.
From now on, there will also be no slackness over the counting of attendants at acts of worship. Two tellers will be assigned at every worship event, with the job of enumerating the congregation. In the event of any difference of opinion, we will lock the doors of the Moot House until we know the answer. We don't know what we will do with the numbers, but we will make sure they are right. In the same way that offerings in the future will be double-counted and safely put in the community bank account, instead of being thrown in an old yellow bucket labelled "Eileen's Slush Fund".
So that is my future for the Beaker Folk of Husborne Crawley. Tidy, methodical, and above all - measured. I can't wait.
The tealight is passed on... again...
Dear readers, such a day as I've had. I haven't seen such strife in Husborne Crawley since last time there was strife in Husborne Crawley.
In her desperate attempt to chase away the dark, the Archdruid has spent half the day in the stones 'n' tealights section of Morrison's. When they ran out she moved on to Dunelm and then Tesco. She's now in serious danger of burning down the doily shed with the thousands of candles she's purchased, and there's an overpowering smell of vanilla and clouds of lemonbalm and incense hovering over the place.
And then Drayton Parslow's attempt to instil some Baptist rectitude into us all was not a great success. This morning's three-hour sermon "Stop doing that and do what God says instead" mostly consisted of Drayton giving us the sordid details of all sorts of sins, which got some of the Beaker People quite excited. But Drayton then told them that was just the sort of thing they were all going to have to sign an agreement not to do. And interest evaporated at that point.
In the afternoon, Elbert spent the whole time at Drayton's "Science and Religion - why Scientists are Evil" workshop pointing out that Drayton's Creationism was rubbish, and why. In Elbert's words, "scientific evidence and rationality beat wishful thinking every time". Which, by the time they'd unpacked it, actually annoyed everyone even more than Drayton's claim that Stonehenge was washed from the Marlborough Downs and South Wales to Salisbury Plain by the onrushing waters of the Flood.
And then at 5pm the next of Drayton's services started. But the promise that, at the end, he would make us all sing "Just as I am" forever or until we all repented and converted, was the straw that broke the camel's back. Dear Readers, Drayton was locked in St Bogwulf's chapel and will be let out at supper time. Since he thinks he's being persecuted, he's quite happy. But that left us without an evening ritual - Eileen having taken the large Beakers we use for filling up and pouring out. She's filled them with petrol and is using them as rather dangerous-looking torches.
The Hnaefs had to nip off for their evening archery class of people with no thumbs. So they asked me to lead the Folk in their evening spiritual devotions. Give them your testimony, they said. So I did.
And I explained how Accountancy is the Buddhism of the Business world - how the Yin of Credit matches the Yang of Debit, and at the end all is equal. And I showed them how, through a depreciation here and an amortisation there, we can reach the perfect Finance Nirvana where all is written off, the sheet is balanced, the assets are registered and there are neither profit nor loss, but only bonuses.
Unfortunately, Dear Readers, such is my rapture when I expound on my calling and faith that, when I opened my eyes after discussing the capital treatment of software development (always a thorny subject), I found they'd all headed off for an early-evening Friday Night at the White Horse. So I'm going to get on with a little light auditing while I wait for them to come back. I hope Eileen cheers up soon.
In her desperate attempt to chase away the dark, the Archdruid has spent half the day in the stones 'n' tealights section of Morrison's. When they ran out she moved on to Dunelm and then Tesco. She's now in serious danger of burning down the doily shed with the thousands of candles she's purchased, and there's an overpowering smell of vanilla and clouds of lemonbalm and incense hovering over the place.
And then Drayton Parslow's attempt to instil some Baptist rectitude into us all was not a great success. This morning's three-hour sermon "Stop doing that and do what God says instead" mostly consisted of Drayton giving us the sordid details of all sorts of sins, which got some of the Beaker People quite excited. But Drayton then told them that was just the sort of thing they were all going to have to sign an agreement not to do. And interest evaporated at that point.
In the afternoon, Elbert spent the whole time at Drayton's "Science and Religion - why Scientists are Evil" workshop pointing out that Drayton's Creationism was rubbish, and why. In Elbert's words, "scientific evidence and rationality beat wishful thinking every time". Which, by the time they'd unpacked it, actually annoyed everyone even more than Drayton's claim that Stonehenge was washed from the Marlborough Downs and South Wales to Salisbury Plain by the onrushing waters of the Flood.
And then at 5pm the next of Drayton's services started. But the promise that, at the end, he would make us all sing "Just as I am" forever or until we all repented and converted, was the straw that broke the camel's back. Dear Readers, Drayton was locked in St Bogwulf's chapel and will be let out at supper time. Since he thinks he's being persecuted, he's quite happy. But that left us without an evening ritual - Eileen having taken the large Beakers we use for filling up and pouring out. She's filled them with petrol and is using them as rather dangerous-looking torches.
The Hnaefs had to nip off for their evening archery class of people with no thumbs. So they asked me to lead the Folk in their evening spiritual devotions. Give them your testimony, they said. So I did.
And I explained how Accountancy is the Buddhism of the Business world - how the Yin of Credit matches the Yang of Debit, and at the end all is equal. And I showed them how, through a depreciation here and an amortisation there, we can reach the perfect Finance Nirvana where all is written off, the sheet is balanced, the assets are registered and there are neither profit nor loss, but only bonuses.
Unfortunately, Dear Readers, such is my rapture when I expound on my calling and faith that, when I opened my eyes after discussing the capital treatment of software development (always a thorny subject), I found they'd all headed off for an early-evening Friday Night at the White Horse. So I'm going to get on with a little light auditing while I wait for them to come back. I hope Eileen cheers up soon.
Tuesday, 20 July 2010
Pastoral Planning
A good tea-time meeting with Basil and Oswald, my deacons, this afternoon. I am a great believer in holding meetings earlier in the evening if possible. It allows chapel members to get off to their evening prayers nice and early, ready for a refreshing and godly sleep.
Today we held a planning meeting for how we will approach pastoral care. Clearly, as the minister of a chapel with a congregation of fifty or so covenanted members, I can't devote a full evening each fortnight to visiting each one personally, as I might hope. But between the three of us this can be done, provided we make additional visits on Saturday mornings and afternoons. In order to assist the process of keeping our flock spiritually healthy, I have prepared a short checklist with which we can carry out a devotional audit.
FRISBY-ON-SOAR INDEPENDENT BAPTIST CHAPEL
SPIRITUAL AUDIT
Warning - under no circumstances are Chapel members to attempt this audit themselves. Self-auditing might lead to outbreaks of pride or spiritual depression.
1. On the average day, how sinful do you feel?
a) Incredibly sinful (+4)
b) Rather sinful (+2)
c) Unable to sin (-3)
d) Sinful and yet so utterly forgiven (-1)
2. Who is your perfect woman?
a) Sarah Palin (+2)
b) Sarah Jessica Parker (-3)
c) Delia Smith (+1)
d) I'm a woman and that's an outrageous question. Get thee behind me (+6)
3. The Church of England has announced it is to appoint woman bishops, and may even consider gay ones. How far has it sunk in sin this time?
a) About 6 inches (-2)
b) Between three and four feet (-1)
c) Buried under several miles of rock (+1)
d) Deeper than the deepest reaches of the Dark Place (+4)
4. How many times have you considered your unworthiness of salvation today?
a) Five times or more (+4)
b) Maybe two or three, when I'm feeling down (+1)
c) All the time. In fact, I'm not even sure that I'm worthy to consider the question (+7)
d) Nope, not once. Whatever I may be like I reckon God actually loves me (-5)
5. What is your idea of heaven?
a) Like one of Pastor Drayton's sermons, but lasting forever instead of just an hour (+5)
b) Like a big party with drinks and music and everything (-10)
c) Singing rousing hymns forever (+1)
d) Like a quiet evening in (+4)
6. What hobby have you become most interested in lately?
a) Praying (+5)
b) Sitting quietly (+3)
c) Tutting at unworthy things (+4)
d) Piercings (-6)
7. The Bible is:
a) The story of people losing God, and then God finding His people (-2)
b) The infallible word of God, pure and incorrupt as directly dictated to his prophets and apostles (+3)
c) The word of God, which can be understood clearly by any man - or possibly even woman, if her husband helps - that reads it in the Spirit (+1)
d) The word of God, infallible pure and incorrupt - but too spiritual for a sinful person like me to understand without the guidance of my sincere and holy pastor (+6)
8. How are you?
a) Fine, blessed and in the best of spiritual health. God is so good - especially when you consider how rightfully angry he is with me (+5)
b) Filled with the Spirit, thanks, Pastor - Hallelujah! (+3)
c) Well, a bit down, I... why are you leaving so soon? (-4)
d) Worn out after a week in Brighton (-10)
9. How often do you pray?
a) All the time (+5)
b) When I remember (-2)
c) Three times a day - religiously. But not religiously like it's an obligation. Oh no, it's definitely the overflowing of a grateful heart. Although I know God would be angry if I didn't. (+2)
d) I light a tea light from time to time (-10)
10 How do you feel about sex?
a) Well, it's a bit late, but then my husband is working shifts this week.... (-100)
b) It's a gift from God but that's no reason why I should let my husband enjoy it (+5)
c) Well, if it was good enough for Our Lord... oh - it wasn't? (-5)
d) I suppose it's necessary if we're going to fulfil our duties in child-production (+10).
a) Fine, blessed and in the best of spiritual health. God is so good - especially when you consider how rightfully angry he is with me (+5)
b) Filled with the Spirit, thanks, Pastor - Hallelujah! (+3)
c) Well, a bit down, I... why are you leaving so soon? (-4)
d) Worn out after a week in Brighton (-10)
9. How often do you pray?
a) All the time (+5)
b) When I remember (-2)
c) Three times a day - religiously. But not religiously like it's an obligation. Oh no, it's definitely the overflowing of a grateful heart. Although I know God would be angry if I didn't. (+2)
d) I light a tea light from time to time (-10)
10 How do you feel about sex?
a) Well, it's a bit late, but then my husband is working shifts this week.... (-100)
b) It's a gift from God but that's no reason why I should let my husband enjoy it (+5)
c) Well, if it was good enough for Our Lord... oh - it wasn't? (-5)
d) I suppose it's necessary if we're going to fulfil our duties in child-production (+10).
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