Want to support this blog?

Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you.

From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Sunday, 14 October 2018

Traditional Celtic Service

This morning's worship is "Traditional Service in the Celtic Style". With CDs.

So according to Snodgrazz we're gonna sit (in a circle, cross-legged, natch) in the Moot House, listening to the rain fall on the tin roof, and sing haunting melodies telling of God and Nature.

I guess they must be pretty old CDs?



Want to support this blog?
Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you.

From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Wednesday, 10 October 2018

A Poem for the Feast of St Kirsty

An empty bench in Soho Square
If you had come you'd have found me there
But you never did
Because you're dead.
Killed by someone who used a corrupt legal system to evade justice.
Like the entitled and powerful so often do.
And I'm so sorry baby.

Melissa Sparrow (Mrs)

Nativity of Kirsty MacColl (1959)

I just woke up. And realised that as we have passed the last day of summer, and it's nearly Halloween, it's time to say thank you for the days when we had someone with an angel-like voice. Hard to believe it's been 18 years. Maybe it's imaginary.

But the clock goes round. We thought we'd maybe plant a fabulous garden in her memory. But when Terry the gardener gave us that quote I said don't come the cowboy with me, Sunny Jim. I've still got the bill from that Foret de Mimosas you said you'd finish. You just haven't earned it yet, baby.

Bloody nightmare, that Terry. Every time he's meant to be working for me, he's lying down on the beach. You call him and say when will the job be finished and he tells you the next day, but tomorrow never comes. And then, when he's been a big boy on a Saturday night, sure enough here comes that man again, hoping to make a few quid. But come 3 o'clock he's knocking off and I'm telling him, don't go home. And all I ever wanted was the work done. Am I right?

Later on, some may say it's the end of a perfect day. But if they, in their innocence, suggest it's time for the annual Mambo de la Luna in Kirsty 's memory, I'll have to say, I don't think so. In these shoes?


Want to support this blog?
Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you.

From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Sunday, 30 September 2018

The Beaker Festival of Brexit Britain

News reaches us that, as the Tory Party's levels of incompetence reach the depths best described as "Jose Mourinho", Theresa May has decided that she wants to hold a "Festival of Britain".

Ever aware that there are whelk stalls all over the country that May and her party of malcontents and philanderers would be incapable of running, and that David Davis couldn't run a party in a brewery if he could even stay awake long enough, we think the Beaker Folk had better do this for her.

So in the best traditions of MK's Winter Wonderland and the New Forest Lapland, we're piling in regardless of talent or vision. Let's face it, that's not done Liam Fox any harm.

The centrepiece of the whole thing will be the giant floating polystyrene map of the United Kingdom in the Duck Pond. It's carefully designed so that Northern Ireland and Scotland can both be towed away if required.

The Tunnel of  Love is a wonder. A go-kart going through an underpass. However we're afraid that we can't allow anyone to use it as Boris Johnson has a block booking. Still, we do also have the "Boris Bridge". With one end on the bank of the pond near Duckhenge, and the other end just floating into space. Frankly, like Johnson, you can swear blind it goes anywhere you like. But, if you do ignore the "Remoaners" telling you that it's a death trap, poorly-conceived and a disaster, you can get in the shopping trolley, and be catapulted over the bridge, waving your Union Jack, and plummet off the end into the mud.

Sorry it's not a proper garden bridge. But the spider plants got caught in the frost. Which is odd. When the experts from the Met Office warned us the temperature was going to drop on Friday night, Michael Gove told us to pay no attention.

The good news is that the Beaker Festival of Brexit Britain will be using hi-tech to facilitate your frictionless entry into the park. All you need is your passports, birth certificates (to prove you're not foreign - some foreigners apparently have British passports these days), vaccination certificates, and your dental records (in case we have to retrieve you from the mud after you've gone on the Boris Bridge). We're hoping that some people will be able to get into the park within a week, at low season.

Those of an ethical nature will be pleased to hear that the Beaker Festival of Brexit Britain will serve only vegetarian food. This isn't really because we're against meat-eating. It's just we're assuming all the sheep farmers will have gone bust, and it will be too expensive to import meat from the Continent. Nevertheless, you can expect a fine range of seasonal British fare. Or, if it's August, basically blackberries. Sadly the "Regional Foods Stall" will be depleted by the loss of EU subsidies. We do however hope to get at least one Cornish Pasty, so we can all remember what they were. And the aforementioned whelk stall will be selling off very cheap sea food that has been turned away after queuing at Hull for a month.

We're really looking forward to welcoming visitors to encounter our most exciting attraction - "The Abyss of Doom". That's not a roller-coaster. It's just what we'll be looking into by then. Still, you can be distracted by the park comedian, Nigel Farage, as he runs around the park in his Union Jack underpants trying to persuade us this is all a really good idea.

But the opening night is going to be great. As a tribute to the wonderful work that this Government has done, we will have a march-past by the entire British Army. Given what we'll be able to afford by then, and the generally nostalgic concept of Brexit, we're expecting this to consist of an undertaker, a green-grocer, an incontinent, a boy with a scarf and his "uncle", all led by a bank manager. You may be wondering why I've not mentioned the shady spiv who always makes money out of dodgy practices, but Jacob Rees-Mogg will be too busy with his offshore interests to worry about our theme park.

The Fesitval of Brexit Britain. Tonight we're gonna party like it's 1951.




Want to support this blog?
Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you.

From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk. And now amazingly well-priced.

"Books are my Bag"

We've been asked by the Bible Reading Fellowship, publishers of the fine and now eminently affordable "Writes of the Church", to give a bit of a plug to their campaign, "Books are my Bag", in support of publishers and bookshops.  Bookshop Day is Saturday 6th October.

So here's the poster: you can find BRF at Twitter as @brfonline, Facebook as @thebiblereadingfellowship or using the hashtag #brfauthors


Want to support this blog?
Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you.

From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Saturday, 29 September 2018

Politics, Technology and Science Roundup

Great excitement as the Tory Party find their conference app has revealed full details of MPs' personal details and whereabouts. Which would suggest that Marina Wheeler at some point has hacked it in an attempt to find out where the heck Boris Johnson was. Apparently user history shows that while everyone else in the world logged in to become Minister for Food Supplies for a few hours, Johnson has just spent the last 24 hours swiping right.

Still, on the bright side I'm now in possession of all the personal details of Michael Gove. Turns out he's a shiny-faced liar whose ambition is a different order of magnitude to his talent, and whose expression resembles one of those scary ventriloquist's dolls. Who knew?

Meanwhile, a professor tells us that particle accelerator experiments could compress the whole world into a sphere 100m across. Michael Gove assures us we're all totally safe, as the Astronomer Royal is an expert so there's no need to listen to anything he says. While Theresa May has assured us that, at that scale, the Irish border will by definition be frictionless. There won't be the space for the infrastructure. And David Davis is reflecting that, if the earth were reduced in scale like that, even he could have raised the energy to travel the 15 inches to speak the EU over the last 2 years.




Want to support this blog?
Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you.

From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Monday, 24 September 2018

The Autumn Egguinox

Well that's 24 hours most of the Beaker Folk could have done with not losing like that.

All comes down to what I'm gonna have to call a non-segguitur in the Daily Eggspress. Warning - that's where this link goes. Don't read it. You'll probably catch Breggsit.

But in the article we are told,


"On the day of the equinox, the length of day and night is almost exactly the same, which has led some to believe it is the perfect day to balance an egg."

What nobody is telling us is precisely how the amount of daylight led anyone to think "I know - what I really need to do is balance an egg". I mean, how do you get from one proposition to the other? There is no obvious connection. But wait. There's more.

"Although it is perfectly acceptable and possible to balance an egg on any other day of the year, this could be a fun exercise to try out with children – preferably with hardboiled eggs."

That's right. According to the Daily Express, someone has the job of deciding on what days it is acceptable to balance eggs. The discovery that it's every day must be reassuring to those Eggspress readers who once accidentally balanced an egg on the Summer Solstice and have been wondering ever since if they committed some dreadful faux pas.

But the thing about the Equinoxes is, they're actually really boring. You've got an average amount of daylight. The sun rises and sets in very average places. The  temperature is a bit above average in September but then it's a bit below average in March. So that balances out.

But it was that or another game of Connect 4. So what the heck, thought the Beaker Folk. Let's have a crack at it. Oh the egg-citement as we started.
12 hours later, covered in yolk, not a single balanced egg. That's when some fool remembered all the own-brand Advocaat we couldn't face last Christmas.

Six hours of increasingly powerful snowballs later, we started making our own from egg yolks, sherry and lemonade.

I'll be honest. It's been a rough day.
But we'll try again in March. And I think I've got the solution. Next time we'll try balancing them on the blunt end.

Sunday, 23 September 2018

Writes of the Church

One of those periodic, slightly-more-evident book plugs...

As Christmas comes near what could be a better present than a book that lets your friends, family and "Secret Santa" workmates laugh at themselves and the church?

And what could be funnier (and now at a much more competitive price) than the book that came from the blog that came from this blog, Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews

Get over to Amazon  and see the amazing reviews! The new and improved price! And the book itself - funny in anyone's money.
 

Saturday, 22 September 2018

Autumn Equinox - an Apology

I'd like to say sorry to the Beaker Folk we've dragged out of bed to celebrate the Autumn Equinox on the 20th, 21st and now today. We were wrong each time. I blame Autumn Frenzy caused by falling leaves and too much pumpkin for tea.

We've now augured  the auguries, sounded out the sages and read the runes. And Googled it. Autumn Equinox is definitely tomorrow.