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Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you.

From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Sunday, 19 May 2019

No Sex, no Drugs, no King of Rock n Roll

I'd like to pass on Zybil's apologies for what turned out to be a fairly poor attempt at a meditation session, 1988-style, earlier.

I mean, it's been an overcast day and it's just plain gray and wet now. So it was right we tried to lighten the state. And we wanted to get people into a better mood. Everyone was as limp as the weather.

But the aim was, through the repetition of a phrase, to loosen oneself from one's earthly cares and enter into the rhythm of the universe. And I'll be honest, if you're going to do that, the one phrase that probably isn't going to work is "Hot Dog, jumping frog, Albuquerque".

Apart from Hnaef, that is. I wandered past five minutes ago and he appears to have reached the spiritually enlightened phase that is known in this particular method as "Senior Sprout".

Monday, 13 May 2019

The Rainbow Sandwich

Cherry picking in the extreme (maybe even cherry tomato-picking) from the "Christian Institute" as they comment on Marks & Spencer's inclusive sandwich, the Lettuce, Guacamole, Bacon and Tomato. There's a lovely picture of it here at the Independent.

The Institute tells us that "critics, including some LGBT supporters" say the sandwich has missed the mark.

Now there may be some valid, reasoned criticism. Including from LGBT supporters. The Independent link above actually tries. But the complaints actually cited are from Piers Morgan, who normally prefers gammon with a chip, and "one Twitter user".

Just the one, apparently. Out of Twitter's millions. The Daily Mail* further tells us that the sandwich has been criticised by Piers Morgan on Twitter. Which suggests that the Christian Institute's Venn Diagram of people who complain about the sandwich - "Piers Morgan" and " one Twitter user" is actually even less complicated (and less numerous) than the Christian Institute would lead you to believe.

I guess what I ask myself is this. If you're making an inclusive sandwich, do you think one containing guacamole is going to make much traction outside the M25?

And if you're really being really inclusive, would you put bacon in it?

* The link's here but you probably don't want to use it.


Want to support this blog?
Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you.

From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Saturday, 11 May 2019

The Hot Not so Fuzzies

Hot on the heels of the news that children were left distraught after a horror film was played instead of "Detective Pikachu".

I have to apologise that people attending today's advertised service, "A Festival of Tea Lights, Warm Fuzzies and Nice Thoughts", were accidentally subjected to the  BCP Commination Service, followed by a member of the Dutch Quivering Brethren screaming at them in Frisian for 40 minutes that they were all going to Hell.

Truly there was a great wailing and gnashing of teeth. And a certain amount of changing of trousers.

Wednesday, 8 May 2019

Theresa May's Grasp on Football

Others have no doubt said this more eloquently than I will, but I don't care.

There's a few problems with her analogy.

Liverpool's goals were scored by a Belgian and a Netherlander. The rock at the middle of the defence is another man from the Netherlands. Energy, commitment and leadership came from two Englishmen.

This pan-European mixture gives space and inspiration- and the opportunity to succeed - to two brilliant young British full backs.

The team is managed by a German who loves the English way of playing football.

And after 90 minutes of blood, sweat, skill and gut-wrenching excitement what is the prize?

We're still in Europe. Which is appropriate. Because you could say this is the model of what Europe is all about. Combining the talents of many nations so, together, we're all stronger. And we excel on the international stage.

So yes, please Mrs May. Be inspired by Liverpool.

Sunday, 5 May 2019

Sydney Carter Free Zone

In the light of this evening's "Pointless Celebrities", in which the "Crappy Folk Song Masquerading as a Hymn Which is Actually a Syncretic Abomination" (aka Lord of the Dance) was mentioned, a reminder.

The Beaker Folk of Husborne Crawley has been a Sydney Carter Free Zone since 2011.  Anyone even humming "When I needed a neighbour" is still subject to a consignment to the Doily Mines of a time of at least, but not limited to, forever.

It's got so, when couples come requesting a handfasting ceremony (available to people of all sexual orientation and nuns) or thanksgiving for a child / pet / new set of Tefal, I always hold it in the Orchard, conveniently situated for those water cannons I bought from Sadiq Khan. There's nothing like a high-pressure hosing down to bring them back, spluttering, to agree to something else less troubling and more theologically orthodox, such as "If I were a Butterfly".

There is, I have to say, one MP3 of "Lord of the Dance" on the Beaker central server. In the event of a serious outbreak of public disturbance or other catastrophe caused by nuclear war, meteor strike or Brexit, we will put it on full volume on the full Radio Beaker network. At least it will take our minds off our other woes.



Want to support this blog?
Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you.

From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Friday, 3 May 2019

Pushing on to a Clearer Future

So it's fair to say that I'm disappointed by the response to our Week of May Festivities, "7 Days of Tea Lights and Pebbles". Three days in, and so far only one person has attended. Despite me being clear that I've always been clear that, if you're going to worship around Maytime, you need to do it in a Beaker way. That's always been clear.

Meanwhile Drayton Parslow has held a rival event at his Funambulist Baptist chapel - "A Thousand People for Joyless Godliness". Three days in, and so far only one person has attended.

Across the meadow, the Fertility Beaker Folk have been holding their "Get Down and Dirty for the Earth" festival. Three days they've been at it - I use this expression guardedly - and I can still hear "Big Yellow Taxi" belting across the meads. Meanwhile old Revd Chaine-Lynke's "Liberal Theology Revival" has been a surprising success in the Reading Room. 25 people every day, all arguing over "The Myth of God Incarnate". I don't know why they're arguing. It's been clear for 40 years that it's drivel. That is surely clear.

Anyhow, I met Drayton Parslow while walking "Bone-crusher", the Community Hound. And, after I'd retrieved Drayton's leg from Boney's jaws, we had a chat about our respective festivals.

And we've come to the conclusion that what the total unpopularity of our tea lights, pebbles and fundie misery has made clear, is that we must push on with tea lights, pebbles and fundie misery.

So we've extended the festivals for another week. Eventually if we keep on doing them, everyone is sure to come round to it. On that much, I've always been clear.




Want to support this blog?
Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you.

From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Tuesday, 30 April 2019

Labour Supporting a Brexit Referendum: The Conditions Under Which It Will Happen


  1. Hell freezing over
  2. The first porcine airport opened 
  3. A blue moon
  4. When worlds collide
  5. Nigel Farage genuinely being a common man
  6. An atmosphere at the Emirates
  7. Unicorns over the White Cliffs of Dover 
  8. A month consisting entirely of Sundays
  9. The 12th of never
  10. England forgetting the War
  11. Boris Johnson staying home at nights
  12. A hen flossing
  13. Ricky Gervais being over-modest
  14. A Jose Mourinho football team playing 'scintillating' football
  15. A better leader




Want to support this blog?
Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you.

From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Monday, 15 April 2019

The First Brexiter

The Express has this fun little article about the finding of a coin issued by Allectus. According to them, he was the first Brexiter - a Roman Emperor who took Britain out of the Roman Empire.

Now it's always been a mystery to me why anyone would believe anything the Express says about anything. Its constant  predictions of the "Coldest Winter Ever" and killer heatwaves, nearly always followed by mild, calm weather, makes one wonder if they ever get anything right. I mean, the constant flow of new "revelations" about Lady Di have got to make you wonder if the editorial team live in a fantasy land. So, naturally, I checked.

Just wiki, but I reckon the ingredients on a cereal packet generally have more historical and political use than the Express's constant promises of sunny uplands after Brexit. So let's see.

Allectus didn't take Britain out of the Roman Empire. His boss, Carausius, did that. Allectus was his treasurer.

After killing  Carausius, Allectus spent three years trying to run Britain, during which time he lost his territories in Gaul. When the Empire invaded, he ran away but, after being cornered, he died in battle. He had  stripped off his "imperial" insignia  so he could  not be  identified.

Wiki notes that:

"Carausius had deliberately used his coinage for propaganda purposes"

Which might remind us of the promise to produce a new Brexit 50p piece, to ram down the throats of now more than half the population that "you lost, snowflake".

So a backstabbing Little Englander who used the currency for propaganda. Who made constant backward steps. Who never achieved his objective. Who couldn't deliver his promises of freedom.  And who tried to ensure that, when it all ended up in failure for his followers, he couldn't be identified with the disaster.

Yep. Fair do's.  The first Brexiter.

Well done, Express. You  got one right.




Want to support this blog?
Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you.

From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Sunday, 31 March 2019

Mother of the World

There's always a certain irony, maybe circularity, in the placement of the Feast of the Annunciation in Lent, or even occasionally on Maundy Thursday or Good Friday. Mary is given the promise of a son - and then has him taken away.

And Mothering Sunday is full of flowers and chocolates - who would have a reading about pain and death? But that's what we get. How like Jesus, in his dying moments, to ensure that Mary is cared for. And how like a mother, to be there at the cross.

In the end, the closest, most perfect Mother - is God. In the Annunciation, God gives up all things to be a human being. God - in whom we live, and move, and have our being - God becomes a thing that lives, and moves, and has being, within Mary's womb. The roles are reversed as God takes on our nature.

And Mary - the one who has held one who holds the universe - she now knows the sword that Simeon saw, in her heart. The one who grew inside her, whom she nurtured, whom she fed and taught and fretted and cared for. He is broken on a cross. She can't mop up that much blood, can't wipe away those tears, can't kiss this better and make it go away.

In a short while she will hold his body one - as she thinks - last, tender time. And see him pass away into what she thinks is just a grave. But it is in fact, in its way, another womb. She will see him again, and know his living Spirit.

Her pain was so brief, and yet so terrible. His pain so deep. And yet through the pains of the Cross, and the womb of that grave, God brings new life to birth again. With  Mary, we now all wait for the rebirth of the whole world - and ourselves. And though pain still lies ahead, yet we know in God our Mother that we have an eternal hope.


Want to support this blog?
Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you.

From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.