A tale of four Marys

Four Marys stood at the cross.

Three Marys went to the tomb.

Two Marys held Jesus' feet 

And the other Mary's husband, Cl(e)opas said "we're going home."

And Mary said, "but he's alive."

And Cleopas said, "we're going home."

And Mary said, "But Mary Magdalene said..." 

And Cleopas said, "we're going home."

And Mary said, "but I saw..." 

And Cleopas got his cloak.

So they set out for Emmaus.

But there was a third who walked with them,

And he broke bread.

And disappeared.

And Mary said, "Didn't I tell you?"

And Cleopas said, "Let's go back to Jerusalem. And tell them the wonderful thing I've seen."

When MAGA went too far

And the King said to them, I was a different colour, and you deported me. I was hungry and you cut off my support. I was sick, and you removed Medicaid. I was oppressed, and you said you'd wipe out my civilisation.

And I let all that go 

But then you posted a picture of yourself trying to look like me.

And enough was enough. Nobody's gonna stand for that.

The Goddess Eostre and the Killer Vampire Bunny-Wunny

Back before the First World War broke out, there was an idea that civilisation was moving forwards and the sum of human knowledge increasing.

Now, I don't know if the sum of human knowledge is increasing these days. But I reckon if it is, the distribution of human knowledge is pretty lumpy.

Take the annual claim expressed by Facebookers that "Easter is a pagan festival". Which I may have mentioned once or twice before.

So taking the claims in turn: they claim that Easter stole the Spring Equinox from the festival of Eostre. Who is probably well-enough attested to accept she was regarded as a goddess by the West Germanic tribes. The main source for her is an 8th Century work by Bede, an Anglo-Saxon Christian, who tells us that the month of April in Old English was named after her. And therefore the feast of "Easter" got its name from her.

So the West Germanic races stole a feast, invented the concept of the Christian "Easter" and named it after her. The modern Eostre-supporters claim the Solstice was named "Ostara" after her. There's no actual evidence for this, and of course "Ostara" doesn't fall in "Eostre-monat". It falls in March.

So far so wacky, proof that anyone who claims that Easter (a celebration dating back to 2nd century Turkey) is based on Eostre (probably an Anglo-Saxon goddess, first named in the 8th century) has been enjoying some festive magic mushrooms. Outside the rain-blighted western Germanic coasts, Easter has a name like "Pasch" that derives from the Hebrew/Aramaic word from Passover. Which it would. Because of course Christianity took its origins (and the principles of its dating) from Passover, the Jewish feast. Not a pagan feast at all. No offence to modern Pagans, who are a kindly and gentle nature-loving bunch in my experience.

But hang on a mo.

What sort of goddess was Eostre? Given we know so little about her. 

Well, obviously she was a Germanic goddess. Do we know anything about Germanic deities in general? 

They had equivalents in Norse deities. Where they were frequently pretty bloodthirsty. The way to get into Valhalla was to die in battle.

And the Anglo-Saxons themselves. Were they peace-and-nature-loving hippies, tripping around saying hello to trees and flowers? Did they think the stars were God's daisy-chain?

Or had they just spent a couple of hundred years before Bede's time, driving the Celtic (also pagan) people of the British isles off to the fringes by a combination of invasion, genocide, and inter-breeding? 

Yes, second one.

So she had mates like Woden, and Thunor. The people who worshipped her were warriors and invaders. 

And then Jacob Grimm suggested her animal familiar may have been the hare. No evidence for this, just made it up. 

So let's pretend for a minute that the Eostre the Angles and Saxons may have worshipped had a pet hare or bunny. What sort of lagomorph might it be? One that just leaps around in spring, mating and eating carrots?

Or Monty Python's Rabbit of Caerbannog? The neck-biting monster?

Break out the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch is all I have to say on the matter. 

Where do you come from?

Pilate's question to Jesus - in his fear as the people outside demand Jesus's blood: “Where do you come from?”

And it's a question with many potential answers.

When people ask me where do I come from I generally say Husborne Crawley. As I think that's generally true. But I could say I come from Luton, where I was born. Or Dunstable, the town next door, where I attended St Mitholmroyd's Academy for the Daughters of Distressed Gentlefolk. Or I could pay homage to my mum's parents and their story and say I'm "London Overspill". These are all in their way true.

Jesus says nothing. But what could he say?

He could say he's from Nazareth. That little place where he grew up, where he learned to saw and build.

He could say he's from Capernaum - that's where his house is. The house in all likelihood where someone cut a hole through his roof to lower a disabled man to him.

He could recite the Haggadah, the passage from Deuteronomy used at the feast of Firstfruits within tehe celebration of Passover, and say "My father was a wandering Aramean, and he went down into Egypt with a few people and lived there and became a great nation, powerful and numerous."

He could say from Bethlehem, because he's the Son of David that the prophets promised, the Messiah who God has sent to save his people.

That would not increase his chances of leaving Jerusalem alive.

Or he could say - I come, Pilate, from where you can't imagine. I come from beyond the depths of time and space. I have no beginning and no end. Through me everything was created. Through me everything exists. Through me the stars hang in their lonely orbits and the sun generates its heat. Even the molecules of oxygen that you pant into your panicking body right now own their existence to me. If I chose, you would not exist. I come from God the Father and I will come again from God’s right hand to be your judge. You may have the power to release me or crucify me - but I have the power to release you, if you wanted.

And they would all be true - about this son of Abraham, of David, and God.

But he says nothing. And Pilate can do nothing. Except obey the will of some of the people he's supposed to be ruling. And though Jesus goes to die, it’s Pilate who is the broken man.

And so the one who made the earth hangs above it for six hours, as his human life ebbs away. And he fights the devil on the cross, and he will descend to Hell and fight the devil on his own home turf, and he will win both home and away. And we sing his praise because through his death, we have life. And when he comes again, from the place where he is gone – he will make us like him, and we will see him as he is. And know where he is from, because we will belong there too.

If Tottenham Hotspur Managers were Listed like Patriarchs in the Hebrew Bible

 And David Pleat succeeded George Graham, who had been at heart a Gooner

And Glenn Hoddle succeeded David Pleat 

And Jacques Santinti succeeded Glenn Hoddle

And Martin Jol succeeded Jacques Santini

And Clive Allen and Alex Inglethorpe succeeded Martin Jol

And Juande Ramos succeeded Clive Allen and Alex Inglethorpe

And Harry Redknapp succeeded Juande Ramos 

And André Villas-Boas succeeded Harry Redknapp

And Tim Sherwood succeeded André Villas-Boas

And Mauricio Pochettino succeeded Tim Sherwood

And José Mourinho succeeded Mauricio Pochettino

And Ryan Mason succeeded José Mourinho

And Nuno Espírito Santo succeeded Ryan Mason

And Antonio Conte succeeded Nuno Espírito Santo

And Christian Stellini succeeded Antonio Conte 

And Ryan Mason succeeded Christian Stellini

And Ange Postecoglou replaced Ryan Mason

And Thomas Frank replaced Ange Postecoglou

And Igor Tudor replaced  Thomas Frank

And they wondered who should replace Igor Tudor

And everyone wondered if maybe the manager wasn't the problem.

The Noisy Non-Revival

 A few months ago, when great fuss was being made about a YouGov survey for the Bible Society that showed that there was a revival - especially among young people - in churches, the Church Mouse said that it didn't seem to correlate with experience.

When other criticism of the methodology also came in,  and people pointed out that the survey didn't agree with the Good Old C of E's Statistics for Mission, defences such as that of Dr Rob Edward-Symmons on the Premier website came out.

A bit of an industry appeared, celebrating the new rush of converts into the churches. There were conferences. Some people said how much it matched with their experience. 

The Bible Society has just pulled the survey, and removed its FAQs from its website. YouGov has admitted that the methodology wasn't sound.

Which is a great shame. It would have been lovely to see all these people who were allegedly newly arrived in church.

But there's two lessons. One is that some people suffered from confirmation bias. Any church leader experiencing growth would have been shouting out "WE ARE PART OF THE QUIET REVIVAL". Any church leader experiencing decline would have kept quiet and wondered why God was punishing them or what was wrong with them. So the noise makes it sound like there's a quiet revival.

And the other is - you're only as good as the data you use. Many years ago now, a major retailer was having problems with planning for their "returns" - Internet sales that were then sent back. Every week, tens or over hundreds of thousands of items were reported to be in the supply chain from the stores back to the distribution centre. And yet every week only a few thousand actually turned up. They kept planning for and fearing the avalanche, which would overwhelm the available labour and space for processing returns. It never happened. Eventually, someone wondered where the discrepancy came from. And found there was a system issue - stores could report they were a returning an item, but then discover they could sell it instead. The avalanche of returned items - which would have filled up every store warehouse and every lorry in the supply chain -  simply didn't exist. The items weren't in the supply chain, often they weren't even in the stores. Sometimes they were walking down the street on their new owners.

The moral is - if your data is surprising, there's a good chance it's wrong. If your data is good news you weren't expecting, definitely go and check it again. If there's other data showing completely different evidence - compare the two and find out why.

It's the same reason in a way that one injury or death due to a vaccination makes so much more impact than millions of people being better protected. People shout about the dramatic, not about the undramatic.

Data is good. It can help you make good decisions. Just make sure it's right.

Now get out and worship God like you're supposed to. That, at least, hasn't been withdrawn.

A Well-balanced Equinox

Well, the Equinoctial Festival of Balance went off as well as ever. 

Which is as much as to say that for the fourteenth year running, Hnaef fell off his tightrope and landed in the duck pond. Splashing the various worshippers who were gathered around Duckhenge to wait for the crucial moment of Equinox.

Yesterday, that was mid-afternoon. So the sun was way above Duckhenge, making the whole exercise completely pointless.

And then we hear about the complaints about an open-air Islamic service to celebrate Eid. I'm going to link to this Daily Mail article.  Not because I advocate reading the Daily Mail. But because it's the first time Dan Hannan has ever written something that I believe is correct:

"Daniel Hannan tweeted: 'Obviously Nick Timothy should not be sanctioned for expressing a legitimate view.

'Equally, people should not be prevented from praying in public, whether they be anti-abortion protesters or Muslims marking sunset prayers."

Right. I'm glad that I 've got the shock of that over. Though I'd like to ensure abortion protesters aren't using their prayers as a form of harassment towards women going through a very hard and sensitive time.

You can't really complain that Islam thinks it's the only true religion. Because so does evangelical Christianity. So do Catholic and Orthodox Christianity. Arguably, so does Liberal Anglicanism, though they're probably nicer about it. The whole point of the "blind people trying to identify an elephant" story is that the narrator knows what the whole of the elephant looks like. And that's a common story to Buddhists, Hindus, and liberal Christians.

And if you're complaining about religious ceremonies in public view, what about Stonehenge at Solstice? Carol singers round a village tree? Arguably, Remembrance Day services. Where would you stop? Tommy Robinson's carol service with all those people singing about a middle-eastern baby, born in a foreign land, who had to flee from an oppressive regime and become a refugee in another country?

In a well-balanced world, we'd all live and let live, and let people get on with their celebrations as long as they're not threatening others or preaching hate. 

You may say I'm a dreamer.

But that would make me very angry. Because it's a quote from "Imagine". And that's about the worst song ever made.

Liturgy for When You were Pleased a Meeting was Delayed but Now you've realised there's another meeting at the original time that you will have to attend after all

1 I was glad when they said to me the Meeting of the Moot has been delayed

2 For every meeting delayed is another meeting where the world might end first.

3 For it is appointed for man that is born of woman or woman that is born of woman

4 Or person that is born of someone identifying however they wish?

5 Good point. It is appointed for them to die, and then the judgment.

6 So one fewer meeting if it's been delayed long enough.

7 I do not listen to those that say "let us have another meeting'

8 For meetings are temptations that draw you away from actually doing anything.

9 They are full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

10 And so if you can't cancel them, a delay is good.

11 And so with joy I go to my phone calendar,

12 and delay the Meeting of the Moot until next New Moon.

13 But what is this I find under the meeting?

14 It is an other meeting.

15 I remember the joy I had when the Regional Mini-Moot clashed with our Meeting of the Moot.

16 But now my tears run like a river.

17 Now I have one more meeting in my life that I thought I had dodged.

18 And I'm going to have to drive to Slough on a Thursday.

19 I feel myself falling into the pit

20 As the inconsequential discussion and actions that produce no action will overwhelm me.

21 There is no-one to save me.

22 And the calendar is no longer my friend.

"Your Son"

Meanwhile, standing near the cross of Jesus were his mother, and his mother’s sister, Mary the wife of Clopas, and Mary Magdalene. When Jesus saw his mother and the disciple whom he loved standing beside her, he said to his mother, ‘Woman, here is your son.’  Then he said to the disciple, ‘Here is your mother.’ And from that hour the disciple took her into his own home. (John 19.25-27)

Mary's known what it is to be a mother.

She's known all that doubt and uncertainty after the angel told her was going to have a son.

The pain but also gladness of bringing that son into the world.

The chill when Simeon told her that a sword would pierce her heart.

The fear for his life when they fled to Egypt.

The sorrow of losing him in the Temple - and the relief of discovering him again.

The joy of him growing in strength and wisdom.

The confusion of his ministry.

The rejection when she finds that his mission is more important than a quiet home life.

And now the sword Simeon saw is entering her own heart.

The Catholic Rosary recounts Mary's joyful mysteries, the sorrowful ones, and the glorious ones. Each a part of the relationship of this human mother and her human-and-divine Son.

And here at the end of Jesus' strength, and at the end of her mothering of Jesus, he shows her love in giving her up to his friend. 

In the middle of all the pain and 

grief, at the end, it's all love. 

Don't Tell Him, Spike

I've been following conspiracy theory groups for a while. Just for my own amusement. I'm not a conspiracy theorist.

Not because I'm naturally sceptical. Not because I think I'm cleverer than I am.

But because the Beaker Folk are part of the conspiracy.

I've kept quiet about it up till now. ButI figured it was time we came out and said it. Because it will save conspiracy theorists a lot of theorising. And because there are now literally people dropping dead in the streets all over Europe every hour of the day. Someone had to notice eventually.

Yes, obviously the "spike" protein in the Covid jab was a special treatment designed to give everyone long-term illnesses. Here at the Beaker Folk, our Beaker  Bazaar sells dozens of bottles of aromatherapy cures every day. We'd be wasting our time hand-curing lavender flowers and squeezing the juice out of cochineal beetles if we couldn't ensure people were moderately unwell and in search of a non-big-pharma treatment from someone who isn't a doctor.

And obviously if you've ever had a Covid vaccine, you're shedding the spike proteins in all directions. The vaccinated excrete it into the water, and it gets into the drinking water supply via treatment plants. That's why we use a well here at the Community.

Jabbed people breathe it out everywhere in droplets. If you wear a mask you won't breathe those droplets in. But like geniuses we have managed to persuade conspiracy theorists that masks are bad.

Go to hospital and you don't have to worry that the doctors will jab you while you're under anaesthetic - which is a common anti-vax concern.  We've just put it in the air conditioning.

If you even sleep with someone who's been vaccinated, you'll get Sexually Transmitted Spike Disease. Which is just as painful as it sounds.

But once we were able to produce the spike protein at scale, the sky was literally the limit. We all know that airplane contrails already contain lithium, kryptonite, smart dust, pixie dust, and tiny nano-gerbils that can burrow under your fingernails. But now we're pumping spike proteins out into the atmosphere. Basically, if you see a jet above you, your only option is to get under cover and shelter in place. This is why Beaker People spend so much time in the Moot House.

Obviously, while you're under cover it's best you don't drink any water. 

And don't watch any TV. We've worked out how to broadcast spike proteins through the Internet and over satellite.

Many swear by nicotine vapes and ivermectin as ways of detoxing from the spike. Which might work. If we hadn't bought out the supply chains for both and stuffed them full of spikes.

So basically it's spikes all the way down. All the organic food you buy has been spiked in the rain. All the tinned food has spikes in that weird plastic liner tins have these days.

Well, not quite all.

For some reason we can't work out, the production processes for prune juice and for baked beans seem to eliminate the spikes. We think it's something to do with acidity levels.

So if you see a jet in the sky, or you wake up next to your Tinder date and notice they've grown small horns and developed a twitch, or it starts raining, don't panic. 

Just get in the house and live on nothing but stockpiled prune juice and baked beans.

I guarantee you'll soon notice the difference.

Things a Clergy Doesn't Want to Hear

"The Archdeacon called and says you've got to call him a "Mission Enabler" from now on."

"Badgers."

"A new church initiative."

"Mrs Merryweather is very upset."

"Deanery Synod this evening."

"New guidance from the Safeguarding team."

"The flower arrangers came round while you were out."

"The heating oil looks a bit low." * 

"People have been complaining about you. I can't tell you who. Or what."

"There's a lovely view of the church now the wall has fallen down."

"I've written a letter to the bishop. It's about the flaking plaster."

"Wasn't the deadline for the church magazine yesterday?"

"The local paper rang."

"Your predecessor promised I could be buried there in 2014. Of course, he didn't do any paperwork. Mrs Braythwayte is just going to have to come back up."

"I didn't realise I needed permission for Father's memorial. Do you not like the ivory elephants?"

"Have you looked at Facebook?"

"Under the new Nett Zero rules, you can't replace the lead without insulating the roof. Except the DAC won't let you insulate the roof."

"The Diocese have put a million quid into a HTB church plant in the Village Hall. Isn't that good?" 

"We'd like our baby christened. But don't want it religious."

---

* New this week, and yet also evergreen.