Wednesday, 20 January 2021

Calling QAnon

I realise that some followers of QAnon will be feeling let down now.

They had pinned their hopes on secret "messages" which led them to believe that the USA was really run by a bunch of child-trafficking, pizza-eating traitors. And that Donald Trump would lead an uprising to arrest all the liberals, execute Mike Pence, and install himself as President for Life. Or something. Sounds a bit unlikely when you put it like that, but I'm sure if you were inside it, it all made sense.

A word to the wise.

A lot of this kind of thing has roots in apocalyptic, fundamentalist Christian circles. Where the expected return of Jesus is always imminent. But every time you put a date to it - it doesn't happen.

When this happens, you don't give up. You regather. You realise you misread the clues. You do some more calculations. You continue to have faith.

And then it doesn't happen again.

Honestly, it never does. Well, it might do one day. But you wouldn't catch me trying to decide which prediction was wrong. Except the next one. That's always wrong.

Now, if you belong to QAnon, you may be feeling a bit stupid now. You may have lost all your friends. Wasted thousands of hours of your life when you could have been watching "Last of the Summer Wine" or maybe doing a genuinely Christian thing like feeding the hungry, or giving to the poor, or doing some shopping for someone, or wearing a mask so you don't infect a vulnerable person with a deadly virus. 
Maybe you were arrested for invading the Capitol while wearing buffalo horns.

Maybe it's time to grow up and move on. 

But, if not - I have some secrets I can share with you about how the Pope is running a secretive cabal of guinea-pig restaurateurs and will soon declare Moldova independent. Just send a check for 50 dollars to Archdruid Eileen, c/o The Big House, Husborne Crawley - and I'll let you know more. 

Monday, 18 January 2021

Liturgy for Blue Monday

 Hymn:Blue Moon

Archdruid: How does it feel? 

All: Not so bad.

Archdruid: How's the bank balance?

All: In the black, actually. Given we're all middle class, and can work from home, we're saving a fortune in petrol.

Archdruid: So this Monday's not so blue?

All: Just like any other Monday in the last 10 months.

Archdruid: So pretty blue.

All: Mustn't grumble. Been getting a workout in every morning, and we're finished work in time for "Pointless".

Archdruid: Don't you know it's Blue Monday?!

All: Yeah, but known worse.

Hymn: I Wish it Could be Blue Monday every Day

Monday, 11 January 2021

Death of Thomas Hardy (1928)

Leaning over a gate

Thomas Hardy


1st Yokel: I see that Thomas Hardy's dead and gone still.

2nd Yokel: Ay, as we all shall be.

1Y: Hast seen that Tess Durbeyfield lately?

2Y: No, er's dead an' all.

1Y: Thought 'twere quiet.

2Y: Ay.

1Y: Shall we to Peter's Finger in Mixen Lane to wet our tnroats?

2Y: Nay. It's closed for cholera.

1Y: Then shall we to Tranter's house? I hear he's got a pretty drop of tipple in.

2Y: Stubbards, Redstreaks, Chesils and Dabs?

1Y: Magners. It's on offer at Tesco in Casterbridge.

2Y: Times do change.

Saturday, 9 January 2021

The Beaker Folk ban Donald Trump

 In the light that Facebook and Twitter have banned Donald Trump, I would like to announce that he is also banned from posting on the Beaker Folk blog.

He hasn't actually asked if he can. But just in case, I'm banning him now. This will, I reckon, make all the right people very happy. All the wrong people very angry. And people who confuse free speech with the right to encourage other people to conduct coups d'état will no doubt write long Twitter threads explaining why I'm wrong. Or, at least, criticising my French. 

Well, I don't care. It's done. Trump is no longer allowed to post on the Beaker Folk blog. And if we catch him playing golf at Woburn, we will tutt very loudly in his direction.

Just as long as he doesn't set an Osprey onto us. They're terrifying.

An Osprey aircraft in flight


Friday, 8 January 2021

LIturgy for the Nativity of David Bowie

Introduction

Archdruid: Modern Love

All: Gets me to the Church on Time

Archdruid: Ziggy played guitar.

All: But he only knew three chords so we only let him do the youth praise.

 

Reflection of our smallness in God's universe

Archdruid: Planet Earth is blue

All: And there's nothing I can do.

 

Confession

 
Archdruid: Sailors fighting in the dance hall 

Oh man! Look at those cavemen go 
 
It's the freakiest show

All: Is there life on Mars?

 

Inspiring Thought, brought down to earth by reality

 
Archdruid I'm gonna make it to heaven
 
All: Light up the sky like a flame
 
Archdruid: We, we could be heroes.

All: Just for one day.

Creed 

There's a starman waiting in the sky 

He'd like to come and meet us but he thinks he'd blow our minds 

There's a starman waiting in the sky 

He's told us not to blow it 'cause he knows it's all worthwhile

 

Reflection on the nature of the Holy Spirit

Wild is the wind
 
Wild is the wind

Wild is the wind

 

Remembrance that David Bowie is no longer with us

Archdruid: Ashes to ashes.

All: Funk to funky.  

 

Liturgical Dance

Archdruid: Let's Liturgical dance

All: Put on your sensible shoes and dance the blues

Archdruid: Let's Liturgical dance

All: To the sound they're playing on the clavinova

Archdruid: Godly play

All: While stained glass lights up your face

Archdruid: Godly play

All: Currently church is an empty place.

 

Dismissal and Hope for the Future

Archdruid Some of these days, and it won't be long 

All: Gonna drive back down where you once belonged

 

 


Thursday, 7 January 2021

What Happens When You Eat Turmeric Every Day May Surprise You

It's the information that Big Pharma are trying to keep from you. 

What Happens When You Eat Turmeric Every Day May Surprise You....... 

Turmeric root, three slices and a pile of grated.
Doesn't this look like a bloke with 3 frisbees has fallen over next to a small sand dune?

Your insides go yellow.

And you spend a load of money on turmeric.


Turmeric man picture by Simon Eugster via Wikimedia Commons

Wednesday, 6 January 2021

Andrea Leadsom does it all

 Andrea Leadsom has announced she would like to challenge Chief Medical Officer Chris Whitty's understanding of epidemiology.  I think this is a brilliant idea.

After she's won that one, she's going to prove Brian Cox is wrong on astrophysics. Take part in a rap battle challenge with Stormzy. Race Lewis Hamilton round Silverstone. Compete on the Chase against Jenny "Vixen" Ryan. And then finish off by taking Dina Asher-Smith on for a quick run round the block. 

Tuesday, 5 January 2021

Christmas Extension

Given the overall feeling of gloom and despondency around the place, some have suggested extending Christmas to Candlemass. Apparently a tradition (albeit one nobody knew about until recently).

Which is, obviously, a good idea. But that's not the Beaker way. Instead, we are now transferring to the Orthodox calendar. Which means Thursday is Christmas Day. And then  we're going to keep celebrating till Orthodox Candlemass. I'm not sure if that's a thing, but it gives us a valid reason to leave the lights up till mid-Feb at the least.

Anybody know any Christian denominations that use a lunar calendar? It's gonna be a long winter.

Litany of Covidian Wrongness

 Archdruid: It's just like flu.

All: It's only in China.

Archdruid: It's just a few cases.

All: Take it on the chin.

Archdruid: Maybe we could let it pass through the population?

All: Isolate all 20 million vulnerable and 20 million over 60s.

Archdruid: Lockdowns don't work.

All: Drink lots of fluids.

Archdruid: Pour hot water up your nose.

All: Put some kind of light into your body?

Archdruid: It fizzled out in the summer.

All: Normal by the autumn.

Archdruid: Kids don't get it.

All: Smokers don't get it.

Archdruid: We're all already immune.

All: Everyone in London's had it already.

Archdruid: Sunetra Gupta says it's not going to spread.

All: Telegraph says get back to work.

Archdruid: Toby Young says it's not as bad as you think.

All: My friend Andii on the Internet says her sister knows a nurse at the UCL and all they're doing is playing cards and Tik-Tok videos. And they all know it's a hoax.

Archdruid: It's just the flu.

All: Didn't you do that one?

Archdruid: You mean I can't be wrong twice?

All: Pubs are safe.

Archdruid: Normal by Easter.

All: Subsidise bus travel for Christmas.

Archdruid: Sweden's got the right idea.

All: Masks don't work.

Archdruid: It'll evolve to get weaker.

All: It's a Big Pharma conspiracy.

Archdruid: There won't be a second wave.

All: There won't be a third wave.

Archdruid: People still went to church in 1919.

All: People still went to church during the Black Death.

Archdruid: Schoolteachers are slackers.

All: If you didn't test people they wouldn't die so much.

Archdruid: My mate killed himself by dropping a washing machine on his head.

All: Death certificate still said Covid.

Archdruid: James Delingpole should wear a mask.

All: To prevent infection?

Archdruid: That and I just don't like his face.

All: That Allison Pearson has some good ideas.

Archdruid: It's 5G causing it.

All: It was invented in a lab.

Archdruid: Vaccines contain microchips.

All: Isn't that McCains?

Archdruid: My friend Archie says he had it Christmas before last. Go figure.

All: My mate works in Specsavers in Bishop's Auckland as it goes. Says he never saw Dominic Cummings all spring.

Archdruid: Christopher Whitty should resign for wanting lockdowns.

All: Christopher Whitty should resign for not wanting lockdowns.

Archdruid: It's a police state.

All: It's a global conspiracy.

Archdruid: People of faith won't get it in church.

All: Does that mean liberals are at more risk than evangelicals?

Dismissal

Archdruid: Go out into the world....

All: Don't think so.