Saint Paul Says Relax

As to the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ and our being gathered together to him, we beg you, brothers and sisters, not to be quickly shaken in mind or alarmed, either by spirit or by word or by letter, as though from us, to the effect that the day of the Lord is already here.

…. Now may our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and through grace gave us eternal comfort and good hope, comfort your hearts and strengthen them in every good work and word.(Thessalonians 2.1-2, 16-17)

The Thessalonians’ problem, it seems to me, is that they're getting over-anxious and over-excited.

They believe Jesus will return, and soon. And it's like first-century social media. Stories of wars and rumours of wars and of Jesus’ having already come back are sweeping those little Christian groups in the Roman world. 

Of course, in their world, “sweeping” was a thing that only happened at roughly three miles an hour.

In our world, “sweeping” happens much quicker.

I was reading how it's my “generation” - the Generation X-ers born between 1965 and 1980 - we're the ones most tending to espouse nasty, racist, anti-gay views. Which to a degree surprises me - because we grew up with Two-Tone music, and Frankie Goes to Hollywood.

But also kind of doesn't. Remembering some of the skinheads who listened to Two-Tone music and entirely missed the point. We're young enough to have adopted Social Media. But too old to have developed critical thinking about it.

So every crime committed by anyone from an ethnic minority is magnified as if it's the only crime that ever happened. And fear is stirred. And the panic grows among the 45 to 60 year old demographic and they rush out to stick flags on lampposts like they're totems that will ward off evil. It's all very end times.

And Paul's message to the Thessalonians is similar to what we should adopt today.

Calm down.

You're blowing everything out of proportion.

Remember that Jesus will come - but in his time, not ours.

And do what you're called to do. Love each other. Care for those that are in need. 

Stop panicking. There's work to do.

Proving the Flood

What ridiculousness, I ask myself, is the Facebook post I have found, claiming to debunk the Biblical Flood account?

Below I refute their ridiculous claims, one by one. I am afraid, dear brothers (and sisters, whose menfolk will I hope assist them over the hard theology and even godly science). I give the pitiful, science- and faith-light statements in blue, and my refutations in a godly, religious black.

Key scientific arguments against the historicity of Noah's Ark and a global flood include:

Geological Impossibilities

Lack of Sufficient Water: There is not enough water in the Earth's atmosphere, oceans, and ice caps combined to cover all landmasses, let alone the highest mountains, as described in the biblical account.

This is easy to refute. The whole thing was a miracle. G*d created a lot more water. Then removed it at the end, thus lowering the flood.

Absence of Global Flood Evidence: A global flood would leave specific, consistent geological evidence across the planet, such as a universal sedimentary layer and a massive genetic bottleneck event in human and animal populations; no such evidence has been found.

Have you never heard of the Oxford clay? It is certainly underlying geology everywhere I go. In any case, God tidied up afterwards. God hates mess. And how can you say there is no genetic bottleneck when Country and Western music exists?

Contradictory Geological Formations: Geological features like the Grand Canyon were formed by gradual processes over millions of years, not by a single, rapid, receding flood event. The existence of coal seams and other rock layers that require millions of years to form under specific conditions also contradicts a recent global flood event.

Not if God does it. The geological events were accelerated to God speed.

Fossil Record: The fossil record shows species appearing and disappearing over hundreds of millions of years in a specific order, a pattern that is inconsistent with a single, recent mass-burial event. 

Everyone knows that God allowed the Devil to scatter these fossils across the world, with the specific aim of allowing atheists to follow the route to perdition that they deserve.

Biological Impossibilities

Biodiversity and Logistics: The number of species on Earth (over 1.7 million, excluding insects, microorganisms, and marine life) is far too vast for two of every "kind" to fit on a single wooden vessel, along with their necessary food and water for a year.

They were standing on each other's shoulders. And have you not read the Holy Book (Genesis 7:2), which clearly says there are seven pairs of every clean animal? If you cannot get the minor details of the word of G*d correct, how can we trust you to work out the volume of an anteater?

Animal Distribution: The global distribution of animals (e.g., kangaroos in Australia, polar bears in the Arctic) would be impossible to explain if all animals started from a single point of origin in the Middle East after the flood.

Noah dropped them off.  He was conveniently supplied with a boat for that very purpose. And polar bears can swim.

Genetic Viability: A severe genetic bottleneck from having only two of every animal "kind" and eight humans would lead to catastrophic inbreeding effects and disease susceptibility, which is not observed in modern populations.

Once again with the author not knowing about the seven pairs of clean animals of every kind. Your grammar is wrong: that should be " catastrophic inbreeding effects and disease susceptibility, which are not observed in modern populations". And clearly God has provided a miracle to save us from inbreeding. Apart from in the Appalachians. 

Ecosystem Survival: A global flood would have mixed fresh and saltwater, dooming all freshwater organisms and plants.

God separated them by an osmotic miracle. 

Engineering and Physical Impossibilities

Ark Construction: A wooden boat of the dimensions specified in the Bible (approx. 450 ft long) would likely be structurally unsound and break apart in rough seas without modern engineering knowledge.

Did God not give Noah the design? Where does this "likely" come into it when you claim to be dabbling in science?

Waste Management: The sheer volume of waste produced by thousands of animals over a year would create an unlivable and toxic environment for all inhabitants. 

Not at all. Just throw it over the side.

Archaeological Findings

Lack of Physical Evidence: Despite numerous searches, especially around Mount Ararat in Turkey, no scientific evidence of the Ark has ever been found. Alleged "discoveries" have been identified as natural geological formations or hoaxes.

This proves nothing. Lots of artefacts from the ancient world can no longer be found. Not even a miracle needed here.

Continuous Civilizations: Historical and archaeological records from ancient civilizations (e.g., Egypt, China) show continuous, uninterrupted human activity through the period when the flood would supposedly have occurred (~2,500 BCE), with no mention of a global flood event. 

You can make up anything that is in books. Except the Bible, of course.

In conclusion, the scientific evidence

In conclusion. All nonsense.

Keeping up with the Jonesies

Reform Councillor Alexander Jones, former mayoral candidate for Doncaster, has apologised after accidentally saying out loud on Facebook that people of Caribbean origin can't be English.

I mean, Englishness is such a nebulous thing. It embraces people who climb halfway up lampposts to tie St George's Flags to them. And people like the part-Turkish, American-born Boris Johnson. And the Royal Family, who derive their English heritage from erm William the Conqueror. A French-speaking descendant of Norwegians.

Given the terrible history of slavery, and the degree to which slave women had children whose fathers were their masters - the truth is there probably is a fair amount of English DNA (which I presume Alexander Jones was subconsciously thinking about) in the Caribbean population

Which brings me to a question.

Jones - isn't that a Welsh name?

Simon Jenkins' Complete List of New Uses for Country Churches

Simon Jenkins has come up with more suggestions about uses for under-used churches. I'd warn you that it's behind a paywall. But to be honest it's probably better that way. Oddly he's in the Times this time. Who probably aren't aware he's written the same story, with minor tweaks, repeatedly in the past for the Guardian. This, for instance, from 2021. 

Or the article that caused me to write this, in 2018.

I worry that, like an elderly relative who's telling you the same funny story about their youth for the 90th time, he just forgets he's told us his theories before.

Still. To save you the trouble of searching old Guardian columns finding all the new uses Simon Jenkins has suggested for the small village pub - here they are.

1. Pub (despite all the pubs closing)
2. Library (despite all the libraries closing)
3. Post Office (you guessed it)
4. Bank (yeah, yeah)
5. Sauna
6. Squash court
7. Aquarium
8. Crazy Golf
9. Discorama
10. Vape shop
11. American candy store
12. Harry Potter supplies
13. Yoga centre
14. Arts centre
15. Baseball ground
16. Airport
17. Heliport
18. Spaceport
19. World War II pill box
20. Castle
21. Ghost Train ride
22. Penny arcade
23. Chip shop
24. Garden Centre
25. Laundromat
26. Ice Rink
27. Laser Smurf-hunt
28. Nudist colony
29. Gerbil breeding centre
30. Space observatory
31. Solar Farm

All it requires is a wilful ignorance of English and canon law, a Public Sector prepared to invest billions in buildings with immense costs, and a bit of imagination.

Come on, England! Save those church buildings!

Not Enough Celebrationtide

Welcome to the season of Not Enough Celebrationtide. 

Have you been wearing your poppy since mid-September?

No?

You're no patriot. By 1st November you should be eating poppies for breakfast. Go out, buy a poppy onesie, and wear it everywhere you go. Otherwise you're not a patriot.

Come November 12 you should be wearing an Xmas tree at all times.

And if you foamed at the mouth because I said "Xmas", you are simultaneously a great advocate for a Christian Nation (TM) and an ahistorical idiot.

Come on, England! Repaint your pumpkin lights to look like poppy lights! And then, in a fortnight, repaint them as Xmas lights! 

Start drinking Baileys from the 16th November! When you put the sprouts on!

Look down your noses at people from other faiths, atheists, those that can't afford an inflatable reindeer the size of Berkshire, and other such traitors. 

Get out there and celebrate whatever it is this week! 

For St George and England!

(By the way, Wisbech, those tattered Temu flags are starting to look a bit naff now) 

Of Quirks and Quinces - A Beaker Samhain Tradition

As this Halloween night drags on, we continue to scare small children with our "Robert Jenrick" masks.

To be fair, it's quite a terrifying experience. A small child knocks on the door of the Great House. 

To be met with someone wearing a mask that changes appearance. 

One minute it's the Euro-friendly, smiley face of one of the old-fashioned Tories that lives in the real world and wants the country to thrive.

The next, it's the red-eyed, dead-eyed visage of the dyed-in-the-wool Brexosexual that nobody expected, hanging flags from lamp-posts while hanging upside down like bats, and rarely checking whether the Union Jacks are even the right way up. 

Sometimes the kids need therapy.

The other thing we do, when not wearing our Jenrick masks, is leave out quinces for the little urchins that visit, if not too traumatised by the Jenrick lookalikes.

Have you ever tried eating quinces?  People just leave them lying around. It's a traditional fruit, but it takes some care in its preparation.

When someone gives you a ton or two of quinces, put them in a Brooklyn Lager box.

Then drink the lager.

Leave the box of quinces in your porch in the hope that trick-or-treaters will think they're giant sweets.

In the morning, throw all the quinces in the nearest ditch. You can use the box to light the fire.

Liturgy for the Death of Prunella Scales (1932-2025)

 Archdruid: Even in the midst of life we are in death.

All: Oh, I know... 

Archdruid: We will read from Psalm 23

All: Oh, I know... 

Archdruid: The Lord's my Shepherd, I'll not want.

All: Oh, I know... 

Archdruid: He makes me to lie down in green pastures.

All: Oh, I know... 

Archdruid: He leads me by still waters.

All: Oh, I know... 

Archdruid: He restores my soul.

All: Oh, I know... 

Archdruid: He makes me walk in the path of righteousness.

All: Oh, I know... 

(Continues for days) 

The Minister is Late for the 11 am

It happens. 

In multiple-parish Church of England benefices and Methodist Circuits where they try to get the most out of the available resources.

The Minister is late for the 11 am.

Worth considering, before you throw a strop (which, if it were an Olympic event, would be won every four years by Team GB) why the Minister is late for the 11 am.

It's unlikely they just didn't get up.

An 11 am suggests there is a 9.30 am somewhere else.

And possibly also a 8 am somewhere else again.

Or even, if timelines are tight, that the minister is legging it over from a 10 am.

In which case the potential issues for that minister become evident:

• The level crossing stays down for six trains to pass
• The motorway which cuts between two villages has roadworks
• Sheep are prancing around on a back road
• Someone has decided to preach a 20-minute reflection on the Nicene Creed under the pretence they're leading the intercessions 
• Someone had a personal crisis at the 10 am and needs care.
• Someone just wanted to have a go at the 10 am, and the minister has stopped off for a quiet cry.
• A blown tyre
• A peloton
• A tractor
• A horse
• All of the above

And check your phones. It's possible the minister has been phoning repeatedly. But - contrary to all experience - everyone in the senior team at your church is on "silent" like good boys and girls. Or your church is built from 3' thick stone walls. Go outside. You might get a clue.

If you're feeling keen, sing a few hymns.

If you're feeling super-keen, find someone who can preach a sermon.

Not Norman. For all that is holy, not Norman.

Best to sit and wait, thinking about it. Just because... you know... Norman. 

The minister is late for the 11 am.

It's not like the world is going to end.

Unless that's why they're late, obviously.

Putting the Clocks Back in the Church of England

And yes I suppose I'd better start by suggesting that the current position on LLF has put the clocks back to 2019.  Just for anyone who followed a link here on the assumption that's what the title means. 

But really I was talking about the real physical clocks in the C of E. And the real physical people who have the jobs of putting them back ready for Greenwich Mean Time tonight.

At 2 am the clocks go back. Which is great, if you're talking about a clock on a phone or computer, which does it for you automatically. Or even a church clock with a special mechanism that talks to a satellite. But not so great if it's a clock in a church tower with a big old mechanism that's been patched up for the last 200 years. 

And not if you have a very fastidious village that expects the clock to be right at all times. So what can you do?

You go over to the church tower at just before 2 am. You climb the tower, having used the key that fits upside-down into the clock and goes round backwards. You remember that the mechanism is so complicated that you only know how to change the clock forwards. You realise that moving it forwards 23 hours will take you a very long time and be extremely painful on your winding arm. And that you can't see from the inside what time the clock is showing on the outside.

So you disconnect the mechanism or switch off the electricity supply, according to preference and clock type. And wait an hour.

It's a little known fact* that all over England between the hours of 2am and... erm.... 2am on the last Saturday of October, there are people brushing bat droppings out of their hair, and shivering up village church towers.

And it gets worse. Because stopping the time in the middle of the night in the week leading up to Halloween has a terrible effect on the local spiritual wildlife.

I'm not talking about the young people Uber-ing back from the nightclubs in the nearest town, wondering whether their parents will still be up. But you go messing with church clock time in the middle of an autumn night, you can get who-knows-what rocking up in the tower. 

Take Sir Hemsby Buttercliffe. For the last 200 years, he was walked from his crypt every night at 3am to go to his old Manor House and demand to know why his widow remarried. You stop the clock at 2am and his shade is on tenterhooks. He's likely to stomp up the tower and start pointing at his pocket watch. Not least because he's never really understood BST, and he can't remember whether to go forwards or backwards.

And then any local Black Shucks are going to be fretting about how long it is till daybreak. And Herne the Hunter and the Wodewose are going to be there, offering to give you technical advice. 

Never take it. Wodewose's technical advice only every consists of telling you to hit things with wooden clubs.

So should you wake in the night, around 2.30 am, before you roll over and go back to your extra hour's sleep, consider the clock-minders of England. It's gonna be a long night,

---

* because it's not true, I just made it up for an amusing (hopefully) post 

Saint Crispin and Ian Day

Happy 25th October

! Today we remember a number of feasts. It is the Nativity of St Wellington the Perisher. And the feast of St Crispin and his brother, Ian.

Crispin and Ian were shoemakers in ancient Thrace. They converted to Christianity, and enthusiastically proclaimed their newfound faith.

But they only attracted adherents from their own profession. So when they knocked on doors or stood on street corners to share their beliefs, people would say, "it's just a load of cobblers."

Eventually Crispin and Ian were pushed out to sea in a giant boot as a form of random attempted martyrdom. Having sailed across the Med, up the Channel and then along the Nen to Wellingborough, they shared the wonders of shoes with the natives, who up to then had wrapped cabbage leaves around their feet in cold weather.

A very happy Northamptonshire Day to all that celebrate it. And don't fret missing Agincourt.

Exact Date the First Snow Will Fall in Every British Town

 

Please let us know when it happens.

We've got no idea.  Some time in December, I expect.