Vernal Equinox

Please note this morning's Vernal Equinox service is delayed. We all agreed a service was a good idea but nobody could agree on what precisely we should do.

I'm now waiting until we get a spirit of compromise. Which is to say, everyone does what I say.

Still, soon be Christmas. As Evangeline the community's talking turkey said to me this morning.

A Song for Brexit

As the Brexit March goes into Day 3, and the marchers start to hope that a no-deal won't impact supplies of blister plasters and pile cream, we reveal the song sheet for the event.

Day 1 - "We're the Red White Army"

Day 2  - "Who do you think you are Kidding, Mr Hitler?"

 Day 3  - "Making Plans for Nigel"

Day 4 - "Just the Two of Us"

---

Want to support this blog? Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

In Memoriam: Pat Laffan (Father Ted's "Pat Mustard"

So we say goodbye to the man most known in the UK as the father of hairy babies, deliverer of morning delights, and possessor of an enormous... Hnaef? Are you sure about this? A piece of menacing comedy so funny and absurd that it shines on 20 years later.

I'd like to think he will be carried to his rest on a milk float, at no less than 4mph, with a bunch of priests conducting the Mass on a low-loader alongside.

Whatever you do, don't let Dougal take the funeral.

Is there anything to be said for another Mass?

---

Want to support this blog? Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Ash Wednesday Service

On reflection, having a Sung Celebration of Ash Wednesday could have been seen as a bit inappropriate. Bit joyful, bit celebratory.

So I'd like to thank the Beaker Quire and Orchestra for being so awful. Every note missed, every chord more an aspiration than a resonant harmony. Every off-beat a bit off the beat.

Got us right in the Lenten mood.

---

Want to support this blog? Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

William Hague and the Art of Leadership

You'll need a Telegraph account (though a free one will do) to read this gem from William Hague:

 "Sometimes it resolves a crucial policy debate – such as my own victory over Ken Clarke in 1997 that established a more Eurosceptic Conservative approach..... In the recent past, choosing the wrong leader could lead to a long spell in opposition."

 Well, we know what you mean, Billy-Boy. After choosing you, the Tories were in opposition for 13 years.

But it's true. A good leader is a pearl beyond price. As the Bible teaches us, a godly leader will lead a country to prosperity whereas an evil one will bring it down. You might not think that making your followers drink powdered heavy metals, slaughtering the neighbours, or making someone pregnant then ensuring the death of her husband, are signs of good leadership. But since that's what Moses, Joshua and David managed, then it's more comprehensible why the evangelicals in the US think Donald Trump can make America great again.

Hague tells his readers to get beyond Brexit and worry about  the things that really matter - crime, education, immigration. The last combining that great Tory conundrum, how to get cheap labour over here while simultaneously telling your voters you're totally against it. But honestly? William Hague telling the Tories to ignore Brexit and focus on other things is like arguing  about what colour to paint the living room wall,  and whether you need a new hall carpet or if laminate flooring would be better - when the house is on fire. And it was you who set fire to  the house.

So enough about  politics. I have my own leadership conundrums today. At a time of falling Beaker membership and lowered revenues, do we need the seating in the Moot House arranged in a horseshoe or more of a loose circle?

---

Want to support this blog? Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Turn to Your Neighbour and Scream

Much horror around the Community at the revelation that Justin Welby, at the General Synod, encouraged people to turn to their neighbours and share their joy in their faith. On its own an action to make one regret the Reformation.

I mean, this sort of thing is OK for Pentecostals. They can share their experiences of warmed hearts and salvation experiences. But Anglicans? At Synod? I presume a few were heartily encouraged by what they shared. And a few rejoiced in how they'd got the Victorian Society in to put one over the Church Wardens in their misuse of antique tea towels.

We had the misfortune a few years ago to accidentally invite someone from the AoG to lead a retreat day. I mean, I thought we were getting  the Archdeacon of Grantchester. Not the Assemblies of God. Towards the end, she invited us to share with our next-door neighbours what we'd learnt during the day.

I had to feel for poor Gerund, as Sedrick turned to him, and told him he'd realised that life was a pointless struggle, that death is the end, and the universe will end in screaming chaos. But there was worse.

Imagine the horror overcoming Stacey Bushes, as Burton Dasset declared he had realised he loved her as he'd never loved a woman before. Almost as much, indeed, as he loved his solar-powered desk calculator.

Stacey was in Aylesbury before she stopped running.

A Day in the Life (of a Vicar)

I ripped out pews today, oh boy.
Took several years to get the faculty.
And though the choir is rather sad
We've lots of space to use
Now we've got fewer pews.

I said the Mass today, oh boy.
Or would have if I'd not been on my own.
And so I said a midday prayer.
It was from Lindisfarne
Written by a bunch of folk who like to worship in a barn.

We had a PCC, oh boy.
They asked if we could re-instate the pews.
I said we voted years ago.
They said they didn't care.
They wish the pews were there.
I'd love to retire.

Woke up, fell out of bed
Stuck a collar in my shirt.
Put the kettle on and fed the dog
And looking up I noticed I was late
Took the coffee out the house
Made the church in seconds flat
To the side chapel for morning prayer
And twenty minutes later, still nobody was there.

I went to visit Ann today.
She's getting weaker. She won't last till Spring.
She didn't recognise my face
Still, in bread He was there.
She remembered how to say the 1662 Lord's Prayer.
I'm glad that I  was there.

---

Want to support this blog? Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Liturgy for Launching a Non-Existent Ship Belonging to a Virtual Ferry Fleet

Beaker Folk gather at a windswept, silted-up harbour on the Kent Coast

Archdruid: And so, we mark this special occasion. The symbol of our nation's preparedness for a no-deal Brexit. I name this boat the SS Failing Grayling.

The bottle of Venezuelan Champagne substitute swings in the air, hitting the side of no boat.

Archdruid: Rats. And I bought that specially at 'Spoons.

Hnaef: Oh look! Is that a mullet?

Archdruid: Only if the owner was drinking in there...

Hnaef: Not in the pub. In the water.

Charlii: No, that's just another drowned unicorn.

Archdruid: This is ridiculous. I'm going to phone the ferry company.

Young Keith: I'll have satay king prawns and an egg fried rice.

Archdruid: And so we join in the hymn of Glory for Brexit.

God help Grayling
He ain't no transport king.
There ain't no future
for England's dreaming.

A Brexiter stands looking across the Channel shaking his fist

Brexiter: Bloody French! I fought in the War against you!

Young Keith: Erm, I think they were on our side.

Archdruid: And you're not even sixty. You can't have fought in the War.

Brexiter: Don't you oppress me. I lost both bloody legs on Sword. First Walmington Home Guard. They didn't like it up 'em, Sir.

Archdruid: Look, do you want this bottle of Venezuelan Champagne?

Brexiter: Nice one. Quid off in 'Spoons. Two bottles of this and you could live through the Blitz like I did....

Archdruid: ...20 years before you were born?

Brexiter: You seen my unicorn?

Young Keith: He's in the harbour. Jumped off the side, misjudged the depth of the water. Apparently he expected that a working port for a no-deal Brexit would be properly dredged.

Beaker Folk leave quietly as the Brexiter sobs over his drowned unicorn, looking across the cruel sea towards the Continent he fought in the 1940s.

---

Want to support this blog? Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

Christopher Chope: A Poem

Christoper Chope
Appears to be a terrible misanthrope.
When people are protecting women he shouts "Object" alone
But has no problem with the parliamentary motions of Peter Bone.

---

Want to support this blog? Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.