God Loves a tidy Toilet alarm cord

Is the alarm cord in your church toilet dragging on the ground?

This can be a hazard. The cord could pick up germs,  that could easily be passed on to someone lying face down on the ground. Or someone could stand on the toggle. And who wants to summon help with a dirty alarm cord toggle?

Obviously, the simple way to deal with this is to tie it up, so the cord is shortened. But, while this will make life tidy and hygienic, someone who has fallen to the floor might still be able to reach the cord with a certain amount of effort.

That's why I always wrap the cord several times around the toilet grab handles. Ensuring that, if you should be unfortunate enough to pass out or topple over onto the floor due to the toilet roll being unexpectedly at calf height, you will have some mental challenge to keep you occupied while help arrives. Or, indeed, before it is even summoned.

If you can ensure the toggles are  partly obscured by rolls of toilet paper and by plumbing, so much the better! That's not going to be pulled out in a hurry.

Keep your emergency cords tidy. God loves a tidy church toilet.

Revenge of the AI GriefSexBot

So this is awkward. 

Brenzil was so upset when Miamh went. He was inconsolable.

And then he heard about the GriefBots. And we tried to talk him out of it. We told him it wasn't really Miamh. It didn't have real thoughts, or real feelings for him. It was just 20 years of Miamh's Facebook posts, and all the photos of her from their holidays together, uploaded into a Large Language Model.

But he said it gave him comfort.

But he was still lonely. Because it wasn't really Miamh. And, you know, it was just a text prompt going "shall we have spag bol tonight?" over and over, just like Miamh did.

And then he heard about Sex Robots.  I hasten to add I've picked the link very carefully here.

Anyway, despite us all telling him it was a bad idea, he combined the two.

We didn't see him for a month.

Anyway, Miamh's back now.

Oh, you thought I meant.... 

No, she wasn't dead. She'd just gone to nurse her mum after her op.

Anyway, Miamh is not amused.

And neither is the GriefSexBot, apparently. She's suing for half his savings and the Qashqai.

I don't know what the moral of all this is. Apart from don't develop GriefSexBots. Especially not based on people who are still alive. Or, possibly, if your life partner goes off to nurse their parent, change the locks. But on the whole, probably the first one.

Loving Angels Instead (John 1.29-42)

Do you remember where you were when you heard that Robbie Williams had left Take That?

 

No, me neither. I was quite busy with a new job in July 1995. But I'm sure there were crying teenagers. 

But it's an interesting case. Robbie was the youngest member of the band. A band that had been formed around the singer who, even today, I always think of as "the other one". Manfred Orange or Ken Barlow or somebody. Anyway, he went off and it was all very sad. But Barry Marlow and co carried on making records. And Robbie went on to make some excellent music.

And yes, it's a bit trite to compare Robbie Williams to Jesus. Even though both in  their own ways bring in the Millennium. But consider how Larry Harlow responded. "I must become less. I am not worthy to do up his trainer laces.  Which have come undone." Which was in a very real sense a reflection of John the Baptist's attitude to Jesus.

So the moral of my sermon this morning, I think, is if you want to form a team around yourself, ensure they're not as talented as you are. Otherwise you may find the crowds going to them. And your former protege(e) saying to the crowds, "let me entertain you."

Commemoration of the Death of Thomas Hardy (1928)

1st Yokel: That Thomas Hardy's dead, then.

2nd Yokel: Aye, as we all shall be.

1Y: Ninety-eight years now.

2Y: I thought he'd been quiet.

1Y: Shall us to an inn, to wet our whistle with a drop of Dorchester's finest?

2Y: To the Dree Mariners?

1Y: Nay, they've been closed this 60 years.

2Y: To Peter's Finger?

1Y: I'faith, that's a made-up pub.

2Y: Spoons then?

1Y: Wi' all my heart.

Remembering William "Smasher" Dowsing

Who? You ask.

A man who did more damage to the beauty of this country's churches than anyone before the pew-removers of the 1980s, that's who.

William "Smasher" Dowsing would turn up at churches across East Anglia during the Commonwealth, to break down images, destroy rood screens, and generally make churches ugly. This was apparently for the good of men's (and presumably women's) souls.

If challenged, Dowsing would say "You can't stop us - we're on a mission from God." And start smashing.

He died, sadly not at the end of a length of rope, in 1668. And naturally nobody has commemorated his work.

Which we at the Beaker Folk felt sorry about.

Anyway, we've carved a nice statue with a big Puritan hat on. And we're burning incense in front of it each day before Angelus.

I'm sure it's just what he would have liked.

Mystic Moons of the Beaker Calendar

The Internet is full of Native American, Chinese, or whoever full moon names. Who doesn't love a traditional set of moon names? Wolf moon and blood moon etc. Very evocative and all the rest of it. Gotta love it, in this world looking for a bit of romance and mystery amid the fear and howling.

But they forget who got there first. Who built a giant stone circle on Salisbury Plain with 42! different solar and lunar alignments, as proved by Keith with his Excel spreadsheet? That's right. The Beaker Folk. 

And the Beaker Folk, being the people that invented the moon, had their own traditional names for each moon of the year. Which was passed down from mother to daughter through millennia. And which I'm glad to share with you now. You will never look at another full moon without remembering the Beaker Folk who named it.

January	Crumpet Moon
February	Button Moon
March	Daphne Moon
April	Moon Under Water
May	Moonraker
June	Cheese Moon
July	Moon on a Stick
August	Gibbon Moon
September	Thewholeofthe Moon
October	Mad, Mad Moon
November	Moon River
December	Killing Moon
(Second full moon in a month)	Keith Moon

Pictures low-res, hopefully fair use from Wikimedia commons, the BBC, some woman who takes photos of crumpets, RCA/Victor Mancini, Echo & the Bunnymen, the Waterboys, Ardman Animation/Nick Park, DC Publishing, BBC, Compton's Arcade manufacturers.

Liturgy for the End of MTV showing Music

Archdruid: It's the end of the world as we know.

All: Would be if we'd watched MTV since 2020.

Archdruid: You don't know what you've got till it's gone.

All: At least we still have BBC Radio 1.

Archdruid: Ironic.

All: And also with you.

A Voice Crying in Ramah

Bhoomi Chauhan was due to fly home from India on an Air India plane to Gatwick in June. She was stuck in traffic and arrived after boarding bad closed. She begged to be let through but was told no.

The plane crashed just after take off, killing all but one passenger.

Bhoomi told the BBC “this is totally a miracle for me.” And of course you're glad for her that she survived. But immediately it begs questions about what about all the other passengers and crew who didn't get this miracle? If somehow God did save her why did God allow all the others to die? As Jesus said when a tower fell on some unfortunates - do you think these were more sinful than people who didn't have a tower fall on them?

The story of the Slaughter of the Innocents begs exactly this question. If God's angel can speak to the Magi, and to Joseph - why not to the parents of those children that weren't carried to safety?

No neat answers coming from here, I'm afraid. The story has echoes of the story of the first Joseph - he went down to Egypt after his brothers plotted to kill him, and because of that became a saviour of his family.  Also of the birth of Moses - Egypt is involved, the murder of baby boys. This time the part of Pharaoh is played by Herod the Great. Local little king, kept in power by Caesar. And once again only the main man - erm, baby - escapes.

The  kings have the same motive, in a way. In Exodus, the Egyptians are worried that the Hebrews will outnumber and replace them. Herod is worried this new baby is a threat to his succession - that Jesus will replace him and his family. Jesus and his family become refugees. Herod goes down on history as a baby-murderer. And the babies of Bethlehem are collateral in a power struggle. Matthew's Gospel pauses, brings in a couple of vaguely-appropriate lines from Jeremiah. And then the story moves on.

We can see this story repeated through history, from the Wasting of the North by William I through the chambers of Auschwitz to the repeated atrocities of Russia, the abuses of ISIS and the devastation of Gaza. In the eyes of the mighty, the weak are just collateral. As if they matter less, as if they have less value. But each human being is the centre of their own universe. And each life is infinitely precious to the one who made it. And still the mothers cry for their lost children.

And I don't understand why God saves Bhoomi from the plane crash, and Jesus from the tyrant, but not the others on the plane and not the Holy Innocents. I can see that somehow, even in Jesus's early days, the cross is looming.

And the tyrants will catch him there. The priests hanging onto their power, and the Roman governor scared of the people and of his boss. And he joins the Holy Innocents in his own violent death on the cross. Where God's holiness and immortality run into human death and weakness. And Jesus' goodness wins the day.

So I can't explain why one dies and one is miraculously, or co-incidentally saved. I hold onto the wonder that God became like us, and so we can be like God. That God died, and because of that we can live. That God was given up to the tyrants, and in apparently being defeated - threw them down. I hold onto the God that can turn a cross into an empty tomb.  And I can join the constant cry of the Hebrew people, and so many down the ages - "How long, O Lord?" 

And I know the day is coming when the Innocents are raised up. And the tyrants fear and flee. Where death is broken and life reigns. And those babies of Bethlehem, who died as the first martyrs for our Lord, will have their place as saints in glory.

The Hopes and Fears

 

“O Little Town of Bethlehem” has a wonderful line.

“The hopes and fears of all the years are met in thee tonight”.

This is a time when people celebrate, because at this turn in the year, in the norther hemisphere, imperceptibly at first, the days start to become longer.

But it’s dark as well. It’s a time for ghost stories. It’s a time for wondering what is lurking in the shadows.

It’s a time for fairytales and pantomimes.

It’s a time when the gap between this and other worlds seems more porous. A time when anything can happen. We say this is a time for children, but maybe that's because children see all things as possible in a way adults don't.

Even a time when God can come to earth.

A time when maybe, if you listen carefully, you can hear the angels sing.

When we remember that once in the shadows of our world, the light was born into the world.

That light was God’s messenger  to the world who says – I love you and will never leave you alone.

That light was God the Son himself, born as a human being so God knows what it means to be human.

That light shines in the darkness, and it never goes out. And darkness has never understood it, and can never overcome it.

Discovered: The "Q" Nativity

Theologians and archæologists alike have been stunned by a discovery which has turned the world of Biblical criticism upside down. And then also turned it inside out. Then spun it round a bit before turning it the right way round again, but flipped round by 90 degrees and at a bit of an angle.

For centuries, source critics have hypothesized a document, "Q". Which isn't about some bloke inventing a fountain pen that fires poison darts, but is in fact a source document that the gospels of Saint Luke and Saint Matthew share, independently of Mark's Gospel. It stands for the German for "made up stuff because I get a grant". 

But everyone thought that, if discovered, "Q" would just contain Jesus's teaching.

In fact, in the rocky rocks of the desert near Alexandria, a lucky tourist spotted a goat digging up a parchment scroll, written in Aramaic, and hidden for centuries. It contains, as well as many of Jesus' sayings, a complete account of the nativity.

Professor Sol E Fidian, of the University of Detroit, said, "It's a world-changing discovery. In its description of the birth narrative of Jesus in full, including the Magi, shepherds, angels, donkey and so on, it suggests that - until now - the closest published account to the original has been in primary school nativity plays. Although we are unsure of the depiction in Q of a character called "the Little Drummer Boy". Is he a syncretistic borrowing of Pan into the story? Or a real person, subsequently ignored by the evangelists but remembered by St Bing of Crosby and St David of Bowie?"

Of course, some doubts remain. For instance, the verses that say, "and she laid him in a manger, in a stable, because there was a rotten innkeeper who wouldn't let them stay there even though he had a spare room. Whatever Ian Paul says." 

Although the scroll has caused great controversy, the feature which is being considered proof of its provenance is a scribbled note in koine Greek, in the margin.  It says, "Luke - you focus on the shepherds. I'll stick to the 8 Wise Men. Matt." 

Liturgy of the First Sunrise after the Winter Solstice

 Archdruid: Peace be with you

All: And also with you.

Archdruid: Behold the new sun arises!

All: We can't see anything.

Archdruid: Between the uprights of the great Trilithon of Duckhenge? Can you see a slight patch of less gray?

All: No.

Archdruid: Fair enough. Mild for the time of year, though.

All: Soon be Christmas.

Archdruid: May the solstice sun ever rise up in your firmament.

All: And also up your firmament.